Orchestrate Motivation from the Void

You take what's given to you, it could be a cesspool of crap but you always have the power to choose to manipulate whatever is in your lap into something useful you could use to spur you on. We are hardly given a fully functional toolbox for success - what characterises those who rise are those who are manipulate metal scraps and broken machines to orchestrate a symphonic symbiosis of significance. As my sister once told me: "Life is hard. We are dealt with our hand of cards and it's our purpose to adapt. And right now, you have a shitty deck of cards. And that's ok because we can't control what deck is given to us. But we can control how we deal. Play until you leave the casino." The key life motto that my sister ingrained in me was that i couldn't stay a victim of my upbringing. It is going to be tremendously hard to unlearn every anxiety habit that we normalised and to believe in our ability to capture a life beyond "settling" - but we need to remind ourselves to put in the conscious effort and energy to change it all. Perhaps after all of this, we'll make it out of a storm we never thought we would come close to weathering - emerging out of it commanding the lightning instead. My parents may be toxic for my recovery but I'm tired of being unproductively vengeful. I am going to choose to twist this toxicity into teachers of what I should not sentence my life to. Every time I catch myself falling back to old habits or giving in or begging for people to stroke my illnesses like before, I remind myself of what my sister forced herself to do - unlearn the familiar mechanisms we thought would last our lifetime. If you're not obsessed with your life, change it. As hard as it is now, I force myself to use the toxicity and lack of happiness I see mirrored in their lives as fuel to my fire. As I cry to work or uni, I will gnaw on the tendrils of grit; and me if I make it through that shift by the skin of my teeth only to break after I clock out, that itty bitty victory is part of my symbiosis of significance. One thing that motivates me in this landscape devoid of inspiring optimism at home is really the fear of staying in the rut that I see my parents enduring. If I stay stuck in the so-called safety of my condition and the excuses I think it warrants for my wayward behaviour, I'll never become the woman warrior my sister has inspiringly exemplified. It would kill me to see my future self living this unhappily and I know the choice to change my supposed "destiny" lies in me daring to dream instead. I will take my mom's wails and infuriating OCD habits that she carried as baggage from her youth as the red light to halt my descent into the rabbit hole for eternity. I will take the emotionally draining comments from them as opportunities to build this unconventional resilience. I don't have them as this nurturing net to catch me when I fall but this has blessed me with this initiative-driven attitude to go get what I want independently. At the end of the day, there are no teams and you are on your own; so be that fire. If I wasn't forced out of this nest, I would have never realised my intrinsic ability empower myself despite odds stacked against me. The time is now; change is in your hands and you can take these broken pieces to make a masterpiece of your next chapter if you start or continue to believe. You have this power imbued in you, go off and orchestrate you - the power of you.