Despite All the Times I Could have Died, (He) Kept Me Alive
"Jesus at the centre of it all
From beginning to the end
It will always be, it's always been You, Jesus."
For the majority of my recovery journey, I've been sidelining God's importance in my life. I have been casting aside, blaming him for giving me this shitty deck of cards. I hated him and in fact deliberately strayed away in rebellion because of I felt unfairly neglected or mistreated. Little did I know how much He has been overseeing my progress to this very moment.
It is because of Him that I have breath in my lungs.
There were so many times when my body was close to giving out; so many times when I could almost taste literal death, but despite the great potential and odds stacked against the chances of me making it through each ordeal, He pulled me through.
From my heart to the Heavens, Jesus, I have forgotten that it's all about you. I am so sorry, and thank you for always taking me in no matter how many times I run away from You.
Lately, I've been feeling really crappy - I am undeserving of all of this happiness, acclaim, praise of how 'inspiring' I am...and above all, I find it hard to breathe sometimes as I think about how unworthy I am to represent mental health advocacy when there are a sea of better candidates. In the moments preceding this written piece, I felt incredibly worried about the impending hate that would pummel me should previous online haters see me today.
I thought about how horrible I was being - depriving others with worthier stories of emergence with a voice. I was hogging up everything and I was being unreasonably attention seeking. All the self hate and doubt crept in and my breaths became shallow like old times.
I took to texting my dear gillypuff who delivered me tonight through her faith in Jesus. I love you babe.
She suggested trying to listen to worship instrumentals. The stable me would usually scoff at the idea because I've been so wrapped up in this self-credit of my success - why do I need God when I have myself?
I'm ashamed to say that it is primarily during times of extreme vulnerability and sadness that I can clearly see the light God has provided for me time after time. There is just something about worship songs that always speaks to my soul. In all the times when I was this close to ending it all, God miraculously works His way through His people, aka the people in my life to deliver hope when I craved nothing but self-destruction.
I think back on all the occasions when I swore "this was it".
In 2015, I distinctly remember lying on the bathroom bench gasping and unable to stand up from the shock I inflicted upon my body as I slashed away at my skin. I prayed hard and eventually I managed to cobble up enough strength and stability to stumble back up to my feet to attend my next class.
My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
Psalm 73:26
It was all Jesus.
I remember rummaging through the bandage boxes in the AC general office with blood dripping down my arm. I was helpless but God sent down my principal with such divine and timely purpose. She was sent to save me when I couldn't clean my wounds, she was anointed to deliver hope and love when I felt nothing but isolation and fear. She patiently patched up my open wounds with the same heartache and sincere warmth just as Jesus would have done for me. She took my hands in her grasp as she prayed for me in her office.
It was all Jesus.
I was this close to running off to but blades to cut to death or at least to leave severe damage after my A level results. Again, Jesus protected me then to allow me to execute the mission He wishes to see me accomplish in this project and with the rest of my life. He instructed my co-form teacher of where I may be at that point in time and she was just in time to hold me down, along with two other people, who all stayed till my father showed up to bring me home. No one coordinated any scheme here and it was simply the divine order Jesus had employed to unfold in my life that day.
It was all Jesus.
Every time I had a major gastric attack and could not even stand up; every time my stomach was too acidic for me to keep down pills to relieve the pain and keep me alive; every time I buckled under the pain and yelped with tears; every time I had to be carried into the car to be rushed off to A&E; every time my hands tremored and when I felt myself fading away from the days of starvation, somehow He kept me alive for just one more minute, one more day, until before me, stood several more years than I had ever expected myself to live through. He was and will always be my Healer.
It was all Jesus.
I would not have made it without the tireless prayers everyone has said on my behalf when I was too angry at God to talk to Him.
It was all Jesus.
I would not have had the surreal serenity in my heart for national exams without the avid parent prayer teams who avidly gathered every day of our Os to pray for us through the hours of exams we had.
It was all Jesus.
I would not have had the ability to overcome each disappointment and fear in time for the next paper for my A levels without the comforting embrace God supplied to me in abundance as I plugged into a recurrent anthem of Arms that Hold the Universe every time I stepped in and out of the exam hall.
It was all Jesus.
Logically, I could have died every time I purged, which used to be multiple times a day. I could have died whenever I took a blade to my skin because I kept pressing down a little deeper each time. However, albeit all the chances my body could have given out on me biologically, He kept me around every single time.
It was all Jesus.
He ordained all the elements of the universe to keep me strong enough to be able to be the person I am today. Why should I feel the shame in the magnitude that I do by belittling any chance I had at reaching out to others who are in pain. Sure, I am in no position to be an "ambassador", however, even as I quake "in my shoes", in God's eyes, I need to believe that "I am beautifully and wonderfully made."
Ephesians 2:10 For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.
All the work of my hands that everyone sees, is not the product of my efforts alone. Jesus is at the centre of it all and it's about time I acknowledge the life force behind my soul. There, a sense of peace fills me up, and out flows the seemingly impregnable forces of self-doubt. I can be certain in the power of Christ for He has carried right through these twenty years of my life.
I am alive today because
"From beginning to the end
It will always be, it's always been You, Jesus."