Godsend
Truth is, I originally wanted to title this as "I'm not gonna lie, it really hurts". I was scrolling through my 'Pillow Nights' Pinterest board for images to go along with my negative post. I kept worrying about every response of hate that would come my way should I engage in this self-absorbed act of attention seeking and self-pity. I halted and I was looking for anything to express my pain in a productive way that would not anger anyone. Just minutes ago, I found myself back in my self-degradating mode as I received an impression from my friend that apparently a representative from the team that I thought held hope for me and believed in me still thought of me as a "patient" who was dragging down my friend in recovery by merely being in contact with her. I felt absolutely condemnable - that's it, because of my past, I am sentenced to being a lifelong toxic cesspool who just drags people down because I am somehow an eternally emotionally unstable liability. The ridiculous audacity I had to believe that they were holding out for my inspiring emergence given my efforts to advocate for mental health now - how could I even think of myself in such an elevated light. Foolish and self-righteous much. I shouldn't be seen in Uninhibited Space's video because I am just an imposter - nothing trying to be something. Just shut up because no one cares about your pseudo success, you hypocritical bitch. Just shut up for the welfare of others. Yes I am ashamed to share this and usually I'm open about what I think and feel but as much as my mind screams no, shut up, and is swivelling in a pool of fear of what others may say, I'm going to express it anyway.
"that comes through in what I wrote too. I can't face the world with a smile as fake as cheese in a can. That is not who I am. I am no preservatives, unfiltered, unapologetic, and real. I want people to trust me, and that involves telling the truth about where I've been and where I am. I don't want to contribute to a culture that only shows the highlight reel. Why? People have a hard time relating to me if they think I'm perfect. I'm not offering my true self in concealing my difficulties. We learn from the things we struggle against; we learn a lot about each other and ourselves. Hiding the darkness that comes before the light is like being a travel writer who only talks about the destination." However, right then, off went a buzzer from my phone, with a message that made me tear.
And then it hit me.
It astounds me just how timely these godsend angels grace a fraction of the earth I see each day (particularly this week). I'm going to keep this simple and devoid of analogies and excessively thought-out word choices. This is raw and unedited as I need to learn to forgive myself for crafting pieces that are less than what I expect myself to be able to produce. God sent down a different angel for me everyday of this week (okay well, from Monday onwards). Tuesday: my professor For the past few days, I started feeling immense financial anxiety again. Sure, I have gotten rid of my fixation of numbers on the scale and other medical instruments, however I have started to seek quantitative control in other things in my life - my bank balance. My dad oft (probably unintentionally) makes me feel bad about spending money and as such that propelled me to start working last year - to earn money so that my ED had one less excuse against me when I threw out the old line "I shall starve today to save money on food." I had plotted out my financial strategy: if I had to buy this item, this will mean I will need to divide it by $4/5 which is an average meal in Singapore (i.e. If the item was $30, I had to skip 6 meals to compensate). Lately, I've been abstaining from buying proper meals just so that my bank balance doesn't dip below "the line". I needed that assuring control that somehow I had some form of discipline because I am already ballooning out of control. I was spellbound when my professor whipped out a hundred bucks in class and passed it to me. I had come up with a slogan that he liked for our project and he wanted to buy it off me?! All the days, weeks and months of brooding over my undeserving nature, of how I had scrimping on cash as an excuse to stay away from proper food, was annihilated with that gesture. It mayn't have seemed like a big deal to him, but that sum meant everything to me at that moment. Suddenly, I felt like I was allowed to eat. I had permission and strength to shout back at my ED who told me to deprive myself to save money. He was my Tuesday angel. Wednesday: murky puddle girl I had been contemplating for days before hand of what I should allow myself to eat during a typical lunchtime. Lately, I have always been permitting myself to only eat salads or breakfast foods. But you babe, ordered the brown rice base without hesitation and somehow that fearless decisiveness empowered me to put aside the whirling doubts and questions about the safeness of my lunch option and instead, go with what I genuinely wanted. She was my Wednesday angel. Thursday: blank space guy Yes, initially I was rather pissed, well I guess my ED self was pissed because of the last minute change in plans from having a safe salad dinner to a legit hot meal. I was seriously anxious because your "spontaneous change" wrecked the caloric plan I had crafted (in the hours preceding this) that was sufficiently budget friendly. But you paid for my dinner to eliminate the financial worries of eating - and amongst other things, reminded me that I was not the shit I thought I was, so thank you for forcing me to step outside of my comfort zone then. He was my Thursday angel. Friday:
- my colleagues at Grain Traders It seriously moves me beyond comprehension how much warmth I felt as I entered my workplace today. I had just told my supervisor yesterday that I may need to quit this job soon and somehow it was channel gossip satellite mode and everyone knew today. They were all telling me endearingly that "you better not leave ah!" With that, it was paired with a string of "don't leave laaaa". I had one colleague from the kitchen side who listened to my real reason and fears of changing jobs and he told me assuringly and confidently "don't worry, I'll help talk to ___ for you, sure can find a way. If not you come work with us in the kitchen side la! We pay you!" It seriously warms my heart with auntie's pats and everyone's loving spirit towards looking out for me, and just doing all they can to have me around :') I love everyone of y'all at GT :')
- my ultimate guardian angel, J
You know how much I love you, how many times you have saved my life and tonight is just the essence of your goodness to me.
- a friend I made in support group
You sparked the fire in me again at the moment when I was just about to fade into another episode of a mood trench. You caught me just in time. I haven't contacted you in ages and we've only really met up twice and not spoken thereafter, so seeing your godsend message was just - astounding to see how prayers can be answered without me enunciating them. "Hey Candice! Reading your blog about ur recovery journey gives me renewed hope that ED can be overcome and one day we will rid of these sickness!continue sharing your story and inspiring people around you with your battle with ED!hugs. U are NOT an impostor! Watching you on that video and seeing you help others is an inspiration. When I read ur blog I found renewed hope that things can get better and the sufferers of ed need hope to know that someday somehow we can get there too.🙂" They were my Friday angels.
So, to each of my angels this week, thank you for looking out for me in every little timely thing you have done for me.
