Asexual? Lithromantic? I Don't Love Like You Do
From a hypersensitive anti-male malfunctioning feminist who crushed any inkling of misogyny, abuse stemming from gender power gaps, and egoism that I narrowly fixated on growing up, that has been neutered but I am for from being like "everybody else".
Messed up, damaged, weird, dumb, self-righteous, call me what you may, but I know I am okay.
I grew up with my grandparents as my only admirable model of marriage in reality so please forgive me for my heavy cynicism and blatant ignorance about the concept of marriages now.
One of my previous diary entries included a well-mapped concept diagram plotting my thought process:
*disclaimer: this is utterly ridiculous and narrow-minded, please don't take offence*
Step 1) Wanting a guy's attention = desperate slut
Step 2) Dependency on societal perception's of the superior partner Step 3) Devalue your importance as a person, loss of self Step 4) You will be rendered powerless and forced into submission and even abuse
"So bitch (me), you better run while you can."
I thought that any exposure to guys was the equivalent of boys in the playground running from girls with rabies as the common childhood squirmishness plagued us all. It started with my sister spraying copious amounts of impulse deodorant spray all over the chairs and table where I had tuition with this male tutor when I was 8.
I recall him insisting on holding my hand to demonstrate something but I broke away immediately with immense discomfort. I insisted on going to the toilet to wash my hands but he wouldn't let me and I was horrified. Eventually, I got my mom to fire him and I was afraid of male educators since then - but now I have gotten past something I never thought I could never change about my attitude. Imagine a girl who cried because a male hairdresser wanted to cut her hair. Imagine a girl who bruised herself, purged and starved to get rid of the dirty feelings she felt just liking a guy or being around them. That girl was me - but now I'm a girl with such thoughts subsided as they faded into a more receptive embrace of fairer views of both genders; so yay me I now have the unthinkable - guy friends LOL
Hi, I'm Candice and I am Lithromantic.
(Somebody who is lithromantic can feel romantic attraction towards others and also enjoy being in romantic relationships but only in theory. They do not need the affection to be reciprocated, and as such do not usually feel compelled to seek out a relationship with their crush. Some lithromantics may also stop feeling their romantic attraction once in a relationship). I understand that this is not a formal sexual orientation but it warmed my heart to be welcomed with even a few people online I came across last night who expressed their belonging to this subgroup of Asexuals.
This entry has been put off for far too long and honestly, I am incredibly apprehensive writing this out but this is pride month and though my story is far from significant or even relevant in the grand entirety and scale of suffering people have gone through, I feel compelled to speak now; coz if not now, then when? The other day, my sexual communications professor related to us of people who hurt themselves because of their romantic and sexual feelings that were considered taboo in society - essentially when they hated themselves for having desires that were abnormal or defied the margins of societal acceptance. Undeniably my heart breaks whenever I hear testimonies of angels who almost ended their lives or did the deed - and never saw the tears that fell from my eyes as my heart shattered upon hearing the pain, blame and hopelessness that underpinned suicide letters. In lieu of pride month, I just want to share a quote that I hope can lift anyone alike up: "If you could see your soul tonight, how much would you grieve for the damage it has suffered at the hands who treated it so cruelly?" - Nikita Gill Though I do not identify with the majority of what people typically assume to belong to the LGBTQ community, I identify with the mission to make society more equal, inclusive and proud of the people who have come and gone with their soldier souls and hurt hearts as they faced the ugliest aspects of society's adaptation of pride and prejudice. It baffles me as to why I can't be an avid and open supporter of the LGBTQ community without being questioned of my sexuality. I mean, really, is that really relevant? Why should there be a hint of disdain underpinning your question of "are you lesbian?" I am not, but why is it such an important prerequisite? We are all equal beings and at the core of it all, we are people who need compassion and concern to survive.
Last year, it made me tear because when I excitedly told my father about me going for pinkdot with my friends during one of my weekend outings away from the ward, he dismissed it by disallowing me, giving a ridiculous excuse like "there are going to be cameras there and you may be seen". I sat there seriously frustrated and sad because if I couldn't even take this level of ignorance or lack of understanding, I shuddered to think of what the people in the community feel as they struggle to come out to their parents. I believe that majority of us have or have had passing thoughts at any points in our lives that we may not be completely straight, myself included. We are just a bunch of sinners with our own toxic sexual behaviour that we have normalised according to our respective cultures. As I am typing this on the train, I just felt this old uncle's repeated stares at the lower half of me and I cannot help but *excuse me while I...* walk the hell away. I rolled my eyes and briskly swerved away, pissed as anything. There are so many things that are way more offensive and detrimental that humans are doing all around us left and right.
And I continually find myself asking myself why is this "different" love a crime. Why does it warrant crusading massacres through seas of innocent victims. Their only "crime" is that they love differently than most do. Sure, there is just a multitude of arguments that I can't make a dent in addressing in this pitiful written piece I have here but I don't think that the daunting nature of it should silence me to accept this injustice. There are things like protecting the sanctity of marriage and religion which undeniably everyone has the right to have an opinion on and upheld beliefs about, however, all I'm asking for is to plant that seed of openness. As Wanda Sykes once said: the number one threat of marriage is not homosexuals but ...divorce. It kills me and, in fact, drives me to tears of sadness and frustration as I hear of domestic violence cases in a local publication I picked up at an AWARE block party earlier this year. It makes me question: shouldn't we put our energy of punishing people who are directly hacking away at their partners to engulf them in egoistic power play? If we were to weigh being in a justly balanced marriage between same-sex couples versus trauma and abuse driven heterosexual couples, is the familiarity of what we can accept of sexual morals really the salvation? I think not. I'm not saying that all marriages in Singapore are like this, as I've seen numerous examples of men who are the most magnificent companions here but are some of us ignoring the marginalised innocent groups with silent stigma or outrageous discrimination out of ignorant fear? Okay, I'm getting off tangent here, so back to me as a lithromantic. I'm honestly unsure and I just want to put it out there to anyone reading this with uncertainty swishing around the cavities of their heart - it's okay, you are okay and not alone. I always thought that my extreme feelings of how "relationships are synonymous with enslavement" were stuff that I was the only weirdo who will be robbed off an aspect of my life that was pre-planned (enjoying romantic relationships). I have no idea as to whether my dismissive-avoidant attachment style comes into play here which will last throughout my life from my upbringing of parentification. I have no idea if this is just me being a bitch. But I know one thing and that is that I am not alone and that there's nothing I need to change forcefully. As far as I'm concerned, many of my friends nickname me as the master of #howto #ostrich (coz I literally mimic how an ostrich ducks it's head in the ground when it anticipates threats) I am known as the guru of ghosting and the saying of "it's not you, it's me" has been my anthem in all these cases. Gosh oh no, I'm a perpetrator of cliches gosh forgive my unoriginal ass hahah. Some may think I'm a masochist of love - to love someone but not want the love to be reciprocated in a pronounced manner. I love the construct of love in theory - I am a shameless #chair (Chuck and Blair from Gossip Girl) fan and I go ooooOo and AHhhh at sweet things guys do for my friends but I am sorry. "I don't want your trinkets. I don't want your toys. I only want the areas in between. And when you ask me to be your girlfriend, I'll look you square in the eye and say "no"." - extracted from a Blog Entry: http://www.experienceproject.com/stories/Am-A-Lithromantic/2807488 Knowing that once upon a time I mattered to you or was worth liking is all the passage I wish to take. If you take a step further and if I sense that there's more than a level of affection you are displaying, I'm sorry but I have to tell you harshly and metaphorically, talk to the hand. I seriously think that some of these guys are just wonderful and I will laud in joy for your next girl because surely, please don't get involved with someone like me. So pardon my bitch face and asshat behaviour sometimes because I just want you to run away from me before I have to explain this history of attachment trauma story to you. Defences up. But so are the guards up for my identity as a Lithromantic. This is me and albeit the moments when I wish I could be like my "normal" friends and enjoy relationship feels instead of avoiding it like a contagion of enslavement, as Sylvia Plath aptly put: "I am. I am. I am."