To the Girls Who Never Felt Proud of Themselves

Recently, my heart broke when one of my closest friends in the world told me: "Never have i felt proud of myself. I'm constantly feeling so ashamed of my failures. Not only once, not twice but many times. Perhaps i am just so incapable." If I could give you anything in the world, I would give you my pair of eyes to see how you sparkle to me and everyone else who inhabits the earth - both of which your demons rob you of the right of seeing. My heart broke because I saw so much of my old self in you and it seriously highlighted something I should have been way more grateful for in the depths of my struggle that I should lock down for as long as I continue to live. I've broken down so much to my guardian angels, might I add, to the highest degree of dramatisation, causing so much worry and concern as I spammed their messages with confessions like how I'm too weak to handle life and that I should die because I'll never ever amount to anything. 

Countless angels never gave up when I gave in, even my psychiatrist told me that "I refuse to give up on you even if you have given up on yourself." I never fully grasped how fortunate I have been when this ethereal soul had divulged her inner most pains to me. I had held her in such high regard for her invincible strength , her persistent happy facade that was so believable that I was taken aback to hear of everything she had been concealing. To the people who lifted me to where I am today, “Where others saw ruin,and black nights,and spite you looked into my eyes,and whispered,‘you’re so full of life.'" And what they instilled in me was the wildfire by encouraging other women with the hearts of lionesses ,like what they had built in me, to do the same. And of course a special mention to the most special angel in my life, you know who you are, “In every person I’ve had met I left traces and stories of you—every time they asked me who put the smile on my face my answer will be your name—it will always be you.” I can only credit this seeming compassionate spirit to the wonderful people like you, JT. You taught me to love others when I was in so much pain and didn't love myself in the slightest because it's now that I see that the love that I radiated outwards soon came running back to me, following me no matter many times I tried to send the waves back when it hit my shore. To the girls like you two who never felt proud of yourself, you will. They say that all that matters at the end of the day is that you make yourself proud and ignore the naysayers' expectations of you but in your mind, it may be recurrently upsetting to figure that no matter what you do, you can't seem to ever to proud of yourself - so what happens to you now? I'll tell you what happens. You will dig deep to find the immense source of pride you ought to have felt all this while. I dare you to uncover all the discounted victories that you buried deep in the ground because you regarded them as trivial and insignificant because babe, they all are - every single one. You fighting a war in your head everyday with cinderblocks tied to your ankles every step of your time alive. Be gentle with your healing; be patient for you are battling with so many things and accomplishing so much more than anyone else around you, believe me. I found it incredibly hard to grasp and I, like you, would scoff at this statement in the past, interjecting that I really have zilch, nadda, and an impeccable vacuum of abilities that would warrant the consideration of feeling proud of my bare survival through the shit storm everyday. I know it's hard to fathom anyone who may assure you of your past glories because I know for a fact that your mind must have relegated them to the dirt pile and ashen heap of nothingness preaching "anyone could have done what I did. So what?" 

Breathe darling, breathe. For once in your downtrodden life, give yourself the permission to feel something other than shame and pummel your mind with self degradation. You deserve at least a few minutes of reprieve, so hang in there and listen to me alright? It takes guts to survive when everything is pushing you to quit and end your life. You choose to persist with the pain, yet live in spite it all. It mayn't seem like anything at all to you, because you may be subscribing to my old familiar thought process of "why am I breaking down over something people could very easily handled. I don't even have the fundamental way of coping with minor mishaps, why should I stay alive?" Regardless of whatever thoughts are lodged and lingering in the lobes of your brain, look what you're doing now. You are reading this post, perhaps even with tears in your eyes from a breakdown you're recovering from moments ago. You are alive, fighting to find a way out to crush demons that so many people couldn't muster up the courage to even face.

My oh my, is that hella brave and I'm in awe of your strength and I mean it. Some people may tell you to have a good day but sometimes that's entirely out of the question and you don't have to beat yourself up over not being as optimistic as people expect you to be in traditional self help books because that's not reality. Reality is just saying to yourself to have a day. Give yourself a chance to live another day and you'll surprise yourself with your incredible ability to bounce back at the most unexpected of moments. Trust me, there is nothing more gratifying than emerging every time I've fallen. I too felt that there was absolutely nothing to be proud of myself about until I reflected on hindsight of the pathetic hell hole I once called home. Believe me, if you can't believe in yourself, that you too, from this current state of feeling hopeless about any possible personal success, you will feel the sense of self pride unlike ever before. It's scary to replace the familiar criticism and it still feels odd to me to start appreciating every little victory I've achieved, hidden or public. I'm still learning to clap for parts of my journey that no one claps for but that's the beauty of reclaiming your life back. The magic you garner will exfoliate the blemishes of self doubt and self depreciation and my god, I wish for nothing more than you guys to have this taste of heaven after the hellfire. The totality and generalisability of complete incompetence seems tempting because you're just too tired of disappointments. I understand dear. You're talking to the girl who had lost all confidence in her ability to function by demoting herself in preparation for the meteor shower of 10/25's. I gave up hoping and I assumed that I am "only destined for failure and failure alone." I know you, you didn't live all the way to this point in your life after fending off fire breaths just to accept the death sentence of zero redemption, you did not trudge your bare feet across glass just to refuse a bandaid. You are a fighter and believe me when I say that the amount of pride, that will break through the floodgates of your mind hard bent on eternal failure, will be the most empowering tsunami ever. Don't do what's easy just because the voices are telling you to accept this subpar life and settle for the continual fear of never being good enough. Don't lose steam with the pelting rain of disappointments because redemption is just around the corner and it would kill me and the world for you to walk away just when you're a millimetre away. You have so much to offer to the world, it mayn't be much but it just has to be enough to you. I used my pain from my struggles and translated it into writing. Sure, I'm far from the greats but the sense of pride I feel as many of my readers tell me of how I've spoken to them has been enough to unscrew the locked floodgates and unleash the waterworks of pride from pain in me. I know I mayn't be a believable example of this and perhaps it's rather egoistical of me to speak of myself in this way but there's nothing stopping me now from spreading this new found sense of self worth that was once completely out of the question. But I wholeheartedly believe that you, the strong one, will be able to do a *hair flip* upon looking back when you realise that now you can't stop smiling about how amazing you have been to have endured the journey. "Hope abides; therefore I abide. Countless frustrations have not cowed me. I am still alive, vibrant with life. The black cloud will disappear, The morning sun will appear once again In all its supernal glory." - Sri Chinmoy