I Know It's Wrong, But I Miss You

I know it's wrong but I miss you. I miss turning to you when all went wrong. I miss how you'll always be there no matter how many times I tried to push you away and how I was always able to seek comfort in your rules because simply obeying them made me feel like I was actually fulfilling something and achieving anything in an otherwise flawed repertoire of knowledge and skills I ought to have acquired like everyone around me. You helped me in catharsis in the ironic move of numbing out my emotions so I didn't need to deal with it It's killing me because I know how much harm you bring, yet I can't help but long for the cinch of perceived comfort that you bring every time. They always told me to look for the good in people and at this point, I'm searching for all the little bits of good to remind me to cling onto you. They say comparison is the thief of joy but I'm at that point where I say "take it all, I don't deserve it". People have told me "don't you feel sad that you didn't make it into a local uni like all your other friends?" Or brochures that say that they only accept local university graduates for volunteer opportunities, and I can't help but think how I've called short of everyone's expectations because of how shit and incapable I am. We go round in a circle and everyone goes on about how they're applying for numerous scholarships, being accepted by all their appeals for scholarships, bursaries and awards, and I look at how I'm not even close to their level of competence and it scares the hell out of me. I am nothing. I will never be anybody worthy in the eyes of society. Whether I like to reject the idea of conformity to society, a certain degree (no pun intended) is necessary to gain access to opportunities to survive and god forbid, flourish. I would love to attribute my slump at the A levels to my struggle with depression, SH, ED as I had 3 admissions within those 1.5 years in schooling. But I simply can't - I look at how I am now and think hah even if I was without ED like I am now, look at how sucky I still am - why should I stay on course and recover when that doesn't help me retrieve my glory days of my pre-ed days? Sure, there will be failures and disappointments but I guess with the recent high of all the acclaim people have been giving me about my writing and all the grades I've been achieving thus far, this small blunder hacks at my perfectionist side again. I keep trying to tell myself that recovery is ignoring the necessity to be perfect but I feel this immense need to redeem myself from how absolutely crappy I performed before when I was ill. I feel like I have to make up for all the failures and subpar capabilities given all the years I've wasted. As counterproductive as most would see it as, I think that returning to ED may grant me that wish. I felt almost powerful when I harnessed the ability to function when others would have no 'motivation' to pull through everyday. I saw myself as unique and somehow starving while taking an exam and coming out with a B+ was the greatest glory which far overshadowed my A- when I was free from ED. Given that I had no more excuses to mess up, I ought to hit perfection every time, or at least an A- for everything in university from now on. The grading system in my university simply feeds my perfectionistic and calculating side because in order to get an A for an exam, I would need to get 38/40 which seems incredibly out of reach. I had never even scored that number ever in any mcq as far as I'm concerned. I feel utterly embarrassed because I see how all the people I've met accomplishing As or A*'s in their local universities and I'm here in a private uni with such lousy grades. What a loser and black sheep to all the past institutions I came from. There is no longer that security blanket of "aiya you do badly in school x is ok la, the standard is so high, a D there may very well be a B in school y." In my Uni, if you fail to get an A for any subject, you are trash - and so although I'm trying not to let others define me, I'm sorry I'm human and break to realise that I am the trash that everyone fears to be. And since I am trash who can't ever keep up, that's where I can run back to you right? I want to so badly but I know too many reasons of why I should push you away and I can't even have the motivation to stick with you anymore. I know I can't disappoint anyone any further by going back to what they assume you to be as an abusive partner. I know so much and that's why it's tearing me apart between my rational mind and emotional heart. Recently, my friend told me how it's shocking to see how I can write with so much maturity of thought yet when it comes to ED, I revert back like so many notches. I don't know what to do because I know what to do rationally but I just need someone to remind me when I'm going in the wrong direction - that even when I gain weight, I have to eat; when I receive a bad grade, I still deserve to eat; when I'm in distress, that is no excuse to skip meals or purge. I need someone to remind me of how grotesque I looked when I was sickly skinny so I remember that there is no beauty in bones. So far, no one is stopping me and I don't know how long I can keep this up for on my own.