B-reathe

I will be "B-"etter, just "B-"reathe Candice.

No matter how many years it takes for me to forsake my old self-punishing habits after disappointments, mild or wild,

I will get there someday, I will go the distance.

And so I finally plucked up the courage to look at my latest grade for the exam i just took yesterday morning. I take a look at the screen with the worst possible expectation given how much I had guessed my way through. 80.

Oh.

My worst score this semester.

Oh.

B-

I did the quick math and even if I scored full marks on the yet ungraded group project, I would've still missed an A- overall.

My head still spins into the hostile cyclic pandemonium, collywobbles, damn it.

But instead of doing the very thing I did on this day 2 years ago: https://candicechee19.wordpress.com/2015/05/05/5-may-2015/

Instead of buying sharpeners and dismantling the screw;

Instead of planning my next five day water fast;

I am going to consciously remember to "B-"reathe; and keep breathing

Sometimes I freak out so badly that I subconsciously hold my breath and I forget how to breathe.

I will erect the east in that "B-" to be the "B-"east because though you hand me bullets, I will bring it back as gunpowder meshed between my gritted teeth and I will not succumb to be ''B-''eat; but I will continue to eat.

The sun rises in the east and likewise a new test, a new day, a new breath is a chance to transform the dark sky into emanating marigold.

Aren't you tired of being eclipsed by the moon, it is time to come out and nubivagant; step down the steps of the Cirrostratus like a girl coming out at a debutante ball.

It is time to stop residing in the vague shadows and cling onto unhelpful coping mechanisms.

I will be "B-"etter, just "B-"reathe Candice

because "sometimes having the wind knocked out of you is the only way to remind your lungs how much they like the taste of air"

I could go on and on about how much I hate myself for how I can't laugh off my disappointment, I do try though, I am trying to change the way I look at my crappy performance in life. I am really trying to change the way I condemn myself and it will take time.

No matter how long; how far; I will not give up on myself;

I will not return to the "B-"lasphemous past

I will not revert to the "B-"lame game because that indeed is utterly 'lame' to throw away all my progress over a "B-"

"Look at you. You've stitched your life so perfectly together. You've worked so damn hard to get to where you are, and now have everything you ever wanted. So why do you keep looking back at the one thing that can undo it all?"

- Lang Leav