Uncovering the Beauty Behind the Battle
Upon reflecting on my written thoughts when i was running on empty during my fast for days, I’m honestly hella proud of myself. It sounds completely egotistical but now I just smile at the mere reflection of my journey and how i got out of something i never imagined i’d ever emerge from. I look back at my daily diary/blog entries of sheer anguish and exhausting depression and I’m starting to believe the things my friends and therapists at SGH are saying…
Psychologist:
She extended her hand out and she asked “do you want me to hold your hand?” I automatically said “no it’s okay….” And she insisted and said “you sure? I’m offering my hand to you” so I gingerly did so. She went on to say that “I think you’re amazing you know, I’m very proud of you and I’m sure Dr Lee is. She is very understanding of you, when the team is in doubt of you, she will stand up and say no Candice can do it. To have to go through all you’re going through, being in recovery without much familial support, dealing with all the things you have, I can tell you that very few people can do what you’re doing. You need to give yourself the permission to see the amazingness that you have – the way you make art cards with quotes for the team, the way you help patients without hesitation…I think that you are very wonderful.”
Psychiatrist:
And the reason why I push you so hard is because I refuse to give up (even if you have), refuse to believe you will not get better some day and get your (real) life back.
I know it’s been tough for you especially during this period but I am proud of you for pushing through still. Day by day.
And that’s why I asked you today if there’s anything non-ED we can do to help. If it helps you to write – then go ahead. I may not have time to do long replies but I want you to know I am listening. I am listening but I will not give in to the ED or what the ED wants. I will only listen when Candice speaks. You may not be able to make that distinction but for me it’s quite clear when Candice speaks. Looking forward to more conversations with Candice, good night.
There are so many good things about you (not related to weight or the way you look) that you have not thought about. I can see so many in you but I am not going to say it because you need to find it in yourself. Message for today – stay strong, you are a good person (there is good in everyone, you just need to find it), don’t let what others say do and think bring you down. Bottomline – there will always be people in this world who love you and those who dislike you. Love those who love you and ignore those who dislike you. They can’t be people that matter anyway because true friends and family will love you no matter what.
Art Therapist:
in art therapy, she made me feel better. She made me create a stage scene in a sandbox to show my r/p with dad. I depicted myself as a turtle and ED as the eagle flying off into freedom, away from the clutches of past dad hurt. She asked me how the turtle could be free too instead of facing the corner behind the shield of sand and i placed it on the eagle and said that i’ll follow ED – my intention to just continue with ed, then die instead of living that’ll incur cost – it seems so logical – escape + only incur cremation costs – isin’t this the financial relief you want?? She was saddened and picked up the turtle figure that representing me, stroked it and comforted it “it’s gonna be okay alright?” I interrupted with “aiya nola”, putting down the turtle (me). Thereafter, she immediately cut me off and told me “well, I’d really be sad if the turtle were really to go.”
Family Therapist:
“I decided you needed some encouragement too coz you are writing letters to the team so i searched these and printed these for you.” *hands me 3 pieces of quote pictures and explains the significance of each one in my life, preparing me for a daunting home leave* and her usual “jiayou!” that she threw into every other therapy session.
“Learn to forgive, we live in an imperfect world and people will make mistakes, let go of anger and resentments, and hold on to forgiving and moving on.”
“Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be.”
“You can’t reach for anything new if your hands are still full of yesterday’s junk.”
Other Staff:
Nurse: “I’ve seen the real you, you are a good person, and i know that this fit is all ED. I’m sitting here with you instead of forcing you to go eat/take top up coz I’ve seen the real Candice before and she is strong enough to do this. I could very well not give you this chance – but i believe in your being.”
(while i was confined to bed and could not go down for program) one of the other psychologists in the team wrote me a card with this quote – “It’s always darkest before the dawn” — and i was so so touched because i had told her a few weeks ago in the program session she led that, that is my life motto – and she remembered?? And cared to write me a card?? I’m astounded by the way people care about me honestly – so so blessed beyond measure.
My friends have said so many of such things and done the sweetest acts but something about professionals taking time to say this to me when they have a billion other cases – where i’m just another patient in the stack they are “obliged” to help as part of their job – i appreciate it so so much that they are willing to go the extra mile that i believe healthcare providers should ideally present. I never thought i’d be worthy enough to deserve their time and effort and it has moved me to tears and uncontrollable beaming. They really got me through the period when my parents were bashing me up. Through my admission, they were the ones who calmed me down through my manic episodes and panic attacks.
“If you hate me and the hospital so fucking much and love your ED. I will grant your wish. Just tell me and I will get you discharged today. What you eat and how you live will be left entirely to you with no involvement from me forever. I will get out of everyone’s life today. I am so fucking sick and tired and have no desire to live anymore. Just tell me you want out and i will get you discharged immediately. I will give you $80 000 for the next 3 years. You can use it for UniSIM, ED, move out like Carmen and whatever you want so that you like Carmen, do not have to see me anymore. Hopefully that will help you.”
“First Jie Jie doesn’t want to talk to me and mom is like this and now you…you think you’re lost?! I am even more lost than yoou. What have i done wrong that is so horrible as a father. I don’t know what to do. WE NEED YOU AT HOME. You knew you couldn’t carry on like this, you brought this upon yourself. How can you continue working? You think ___ will still hire you if you’re like this?!”
(despite working hard, not doing anything wrong in the 2 days before the weigh in despite the urges) “4 months in hospital and I still see you in a wheelchair…” (after crushing me with his words, he opened the door of the interview room in the ward that he confined me in and told me off to walk back – but knowing i was “Rest in Bed – prohibited from walking, otherwise i’ll be restrained, i told him calmly controlling my tears that i’m not allowed and i have to be wheeled back.) He shot me this look and said “you can fucking walk.” and proceeded to point to the wheelchair in the corridor and said “you see that? That’s ED. This is what I’m talking about” *storms out of the ward, leaving me stranded in the corridor and forced to take the risk of walking back to my room*
“Hah the only time you’ll get out of the ward is for my funeral…maybe i should just keep you in here for the year, you’re not ready for Uni like this anyways. I don’t believe that you are in a state to do so. Prove me wrong..?”
Hell yea did I prove you wrong
I’ve remembered all the hurt from mainly you throughout my life – writing 37 pages wasn’t even all of it – but i remember every single word, every action from the time you told me off that it “chicken feet!” when i fell down the hill when i was 7 or scolded me when i yelped in pain when you sprayed alcohol on my fresh wound i got from being flung off my scooter in 2003. You told me “You are this sensitive…you will never survive the real world.” // “You continue to be this uptight, time is ticking and soon you’ll be dead.” // “You know that the first impression people will get of you is from how you look so you need to ensure that you look decent/good”…(even though i tried convincing them that inner beauty was more important) – all of this before puberty.
Look at what I've become
the strongest person i can imagine in my eyes.
my parents have never and will never see my strength but everyone me has said so and affirmed me of my worth and resilience. For every time you reminded me of how my skin, teeth, clothing etc were very bad, i’ve been blessed with an abundance of affirmations from other parties who have helped me to believe in my beauty again.
Sometimes, i feel like you hack me back down to the concrete, scraping my knees with painful sediments. “You don’t look anorexic what! You look PERFECTLY healthy” (even though you just said how much under mhw i was) “You’re not eating dinner? You get gastric attack again you go hospital by yourself, i’m not sending you.” “Your rashes (pimples) are very bad. You better take the pimple pills. I don’t see how it’s getting better as you say it is.”
Why should i bother getting up just to be kicked in the stomach again and feel even more pain than ever before? There’s no point in getting up – just stay down. I ended up starving for six days at first then – i bounced back faster – one day.
Throughout this process, I’ve not hurt myself once – and I’m not going to.
I took A levels and made it to a university despite near encounters with death on so many occasions
I restrained from my 10 cuts a day rule in the week right before and during the week of my Project Work OP and Chinese A levels
I called SOS at 4am to stop myself from killing myself
I am giving back whatever i know how to the mental health community – even when i am in fast, feel so weak, push through and volunteer just to feel somewhat useful – if i can’t make myself happy/help myself – i BETTER make sure i help and cheer up others otherwise my existence on earth really is just insignificant and i’m being self-absorbed about my struggles.
I snack like crazy and have huge meals when i want now to the point where it hurts coz i’m too full UNSUPERVISED (even when friends cancel on me last minute) without any compensation. I can sit with the seemingly unbearable guilt and anxiety because i know i need to do this. I have to prove the people who put me down – wrong.
I trudge through some days in Uni so far on merely just water as fuel, staying silent when i was breathless and weak and forced a smile and pretended to be perfectly happy and forced myself to do work and be productive, to keep going out on my own even though i had zero energy all because i wanted to hide my secret struggle
From moping for hours, i cry for 5 minutes now in the shower and i come out and go force myself to make cards for my friends and i feel instantly better. When there’s no one there to catch me – i’m gonna go straight and empower myself – the way i should have done way before.
This is what my years of battle has taught me – be your own soaring hero but also let other people re-attach your wings when your demons clip them off. Of course, you waver, you hover and dip below the ideal height of life – but you don’t plummet to the bottom and stay there – you could hit the concrete but it’s your inner strength and support from people who help you to rebound back aerially and back to the fantasy of clouds where you rightfully belong my beautiful soldier.
Here’s just a look at a letter i wrote on 6 March 2016 – “The 2 years in the JC i had always dreamed of going to”
My journey in AC has been the most painful yet maturing experience I’ve ever had. I want to start out with the good. To the first friend who turned out to be my next friend ever, Adria, you were the first person to make me feel not so alone and tell me “I’m glad you’re using the blade that you used to cut your skin, cut the chains to let you free.” And to this very day and forevermore I will lock that down in my heart. To the classmates that made me feel better when I was broken – Wanjee and Sarah and An Lanh, I will always remember that day when I was freaking out about the scope of the history term exam just 3 days before Coz I had mistaken it this whole while…and I walked out of PE to lock myself in a toilet cubicle hopefully without anyone knowing to bruise myself Coz I had no blade. Just minutes later in between sobs and covered in black and blue, I heard footsteps. I heard a familiar voice from Wan Jee and she asked if I was okay. Soon An Lanh followed and knocked on the door. I was so dead set on never opening the door and continued to bruise. But the eerie sounds of slapping an inanimate object against my flesh resounded in the bathroom and they begged me to open the door Coz they were worried about me and that moved me so so much. I opened the door and they hugged me and i still rmb the very words Wan Jee told me while hugging me – “it’s okay not to be okay. You don’t have to keep this all to yourself. We are here for you ok?” And it was the first time I cried out of being moved by words said by anyone in AC. To Sarah who always sent me long encouraging messages that seemed to speak to my soul whenever I needed help. I love you babe and you don’t know how deserving I feel you are to earn all the accolades you have earned in AC. You are the holiest and purest person though I know you have flaws but that makes you fundamentally human and amazing and I love all of you regardless. To my OG mates and OGLs who visited me with idk 3 helium balloons and even filmed a video at the SGH visitor centre Coz there was a limit on the no of people who would come up aka all the guys and even Amos who fought his way up with his guitar but was sensitive enough not to crowd my space so he just stood at the ward door. It mayn’t seem like much but it really really moved me how much effort y’all put in to travel all the way to ward 46A. To my dear educators oh gosh. First of all I want to begin with the leader of the pack – the principal Ms Chong. You had no idea who I was and you could have very well ignored me since I was such in insignificant part of this big pool of high achievers. But YOU are the most caring principal I’ve ever been blessed enough to encounter. I remember that day after Gettin back a 10/25 and hearing all the better marks flying around in class and I ran to the bookshop to buy a penknife. I told everyone I was okay though Megan asked me if I was but I lied to cut. I prepped plasters in my wallet but they weren’t sufficient so all I could do was to walk out with my blood staining my pullover and who did I see? An Lanh – she asked me if I was REALLY okay and I just was honest and said I need to go to the general office but I just to bring me and leave me there. When I entered the sick bay, I uncovered by pullovers and it was crimson red skewed lines on my wrist. My first thought was how am I gonna hide this. I screamed around the supplies in the sick bay desperately looking for bandages. Blood was dripping and I had to use the trash can to catch it all. Before long, Ms Chong happened to pass by the sick bay to photocopy stuff and she glanced into the transparent window. Seeing the look of distress I was in, worry was plastered on her face and her kind heart compelled her to walk in. Surprisingly she was the first person ever not to freak out and be angry at me for cutting. She handled the situation calmly and compassionately, cleaning my wounds, bandaging it and walking me to her office so she could talk to me and pray for me. She told me don’t worry if I ever have these urges, I can run to her office and just sit down till I calm down. If you don’t call that the world’s best principal, I don’t know what would constitute one in your mind. Even when I see her around school, she’ll smile at when I’m walking around alone. To Mrs Kow, boy you didn’t even teach me but you showered so much care I didn’t even know was humanly capable. You talked to be almost monthly to check up on me and whatsapped me encouraging messages. You did all the admin work when I was in the ward and visited my house when i was finally discharged and even agreed to take a sip of my disgusting calorific supplement drink to show your support. You talked me out of running off the buy blades on results day. You literally stopped me from running away from school to cut. And I couldn’t be more thankful. To Ms Annie Yong, you were the best teacher I’ve ever had my entire life. You didn’t blame me for sleeping in class Coz I was so exhausted from exercising compulsively everyday and eating very little. You never once got angry at me. You have me a letter with an encouraging bookmark to push me on for A levels and I still treasure it to this very day. You prayed for me tirelessly even it was your own quiet time at home. You even called me at least twice and texted me multiple times after results asking if you could physically be with me to comfort me. And honestly I’ve never been more touched by how you never gave up on me even when I confessed time and time again about how I can’t carry on. I am so so thankful for y’all Coz you helped me to literally survive the hardest journey I’ve ever embarked on in life. Now you may be wondering when did all the bad stuff unfold. I was almost fully recovered when i entered, eating pizzas and ice cream. At that point I only had residual symptoms of anorexia. I was eating with my OG mates things like caifan and YTF. I was downright happy, being the person I wanted to be, renewed. I saw someone in AC walking around – who was the skinniest person I’ve ever seen in my life and I knew at a first glance that she was really sick. I prayed to God that she wouldn’t be in my class for I knew I was not ready to be triggered into relapse. But for some reason, in God’s divine plan, she was in my class eventually and I actually went hope and started fretting like mad. But then I was still stable. I told myself that I am more recovered now and I can help her. So I did. I rallied the class tgt to make a huge card for her when she went inpatient. I encouraged her over text maybe not always successfully but I did try and I thought I could be strong enough to shoulder another soldier on to where at least I was in recovery. I agree that I did help for some selfish intentions Bec I didn’t want to be triggered but I believe helping is better than ignoring. While she was inpatient/when I was still strong enough,I was scoring first/second in class for Chinese and Math despite it being the first test. I was filled with adequate self confidence and worth, almost the way I felt in sec 2 when I was topping multiple subjects. I had a personality, I smiled, I laughed and I wrote encouragement cards for everyone in class, the way the real Candice would. I ate normally but still healthily aka YTF but I ate carbs and protein and veg. I wasn’t after losing weight at that point in time. I could bear seeing her eat minuscule and safe portions and though the voices were nagging in my eat, I still pushed on bec I still felt alright. Things only turned sour when suddenly I broke and gave into the triggers around me. Not just her but others. I saw how capable and perfectly pretty she was and it’s humanly impossible not to compare, I’ve tried not to initially but I just broke ok. I started to return back to ana thoughts and I focused so much on her figure and her intake. I started throwing away food secretly at my house lobby or the canteen. I started to isolate. Yet I had to pretend that everything was okay. Coz yknow why I always felt that people compared me with her. I was never gonna be sick enough for people to take me seriously so I had to eat much much less and express more symptoms to justify the inner turmoil I felt. I was the fatter ed sufferer that should snap out of it on her own, They don’t need to worry about me Coz I’m not skinny, I’m perfectly healthy. That is why I had to deliberately exaggerate the severity of my ed to feel deserving of any treatment. I was trapped and alone. There was no physical signs of illness – I was healthy sized, had my period that was always especially ashamed of having, no blood abnormalities, just slightly low bp and gastric attacks. I started self harming just innocently with digging my fingernails into my skins pealing off bits – for the dumbest of reasons – I felt like crying when I was assigned into my PW group but no I couldn’t cry in front of people to show my sadness, this is like business and I have to be professional on the outside. That was when it all began – when I felt feelings I didn’t want to deal with, failure, anger, sadness from home, rejections of proposals, my personality took it so seriously and personally. I started to move from scratching/pinching to cutting almost every other night when everyone was asleep and I’d go to school and pretend everything was okay. I hid all the scars but nonetheless people saw glimpses of them in PE but no one dared to tell teachers Coz they didn’t know what to do. This went on for the whole time from March-September. No one stopped me. Nor did I want anyone to, those were not even considered deep or worthy of the label self harm, it’s just the way I cope. I eventually spiralled out of control, hitting a BMI of 14.0, though not my lowest, I know it isint low enough to fit the textbook examples of BMI’s of 9.0 or lower but it was still medically unhealthy. I struggled so goddamn hard trying to fight the nausea and crying fits while I was in the ward, all while gathering my strength to do work and study hopefully to burn calories while engaging in brain activity. I was so scared for promos, yet I was so frustrated with myself bec I couldn’t focus on anything, I kept falling asleep while taking in 500 cal every idk 3-4 hours. I was so nauseated but I had to swallow it all in Coz I couldn’t purge. During my first admission, I felt targeted by this ed community in Singapore online, perhaps I was hypersensitive, but I cared so much about what people thought of me since 2010 with the subtle bullying, I bruised myself using my medicine tag in the shower so no one would hear. Eventually I got caught and almost got sent to IMH. But since it was one week before my PW OP and CL A levels, my parents let me go home against the doctor’s advice. I pulled myself together with all my strength and choinged for those two weeks. Having to prepare for CL all on my own after missing months of lessons,thankfully my CL teacher came to my house and ward to help me 2/3 times. I pushed through PW as well, putting up a strong front Coz I cared so much about my studies that I put ED aside for a while. I did it eventually and scored an A in both and I couldn’t be more thankful. After CL and PW was over, I went back to restricting, and making it a rule to cut 10 times a day at least till my next admission. In my second admission, I gained like 7 kg in 1.5 months. I was at like minimum healthy weight. My clothes didn’t fit anymore, and people noticed how much “healthier” and “better” I looked. I hated myself so much and wanted to rip away the fat and bloat. When I was discharged, I was okay for the first week, then I went back to all the negative coping mechanisms and even now what’s new – purging. In 2015, i embarked on my plan to lose at least 4kg as soon as possible. I skipped all my lunches, maybe just having a fruit, purging multiple homes a day and cutting deeper in school. At that point I was so depressed I wanted to die. I was fatter than ever and more repulsive than anyone else. This was when I began receiving multiple mean comments on askfm, on people’s blogs and instagram. I didn’t and don’t qualify them as cyber bullying Bec I believe all the nasty things they say is the truth and I am obviously in the wrong so I never told anyone about it, except 3 close friends. I believe they are blunt but NOT cyber bullying, they just have an issue with expressing their views and it’s not their fault Bec I AM that horrible as they say I am.
“i legit hate eating infront of you like stop fucking staring at my food la zzz” “i think purging made you look even fatter and worser” “Why are you so triggering you’re damn selfish” “Not affected by you if you wanna kill yourself” “WA so positive about recovery then starve and celebrate your weight loss? LOL don’t give me that look all the time la *giggles*” “you arent helping others and arent even helping yourself. Ask yourself how long you can escape meals for and why you don’t even try now.” “tbh u looked so much better when you were discharged. I’m sorry this is offensive but when isaw that picture of you with a bloated stomach all i could think of was that you looked like a 3rd w0rld country malnourished kid with kwashiokor. You are too thin Candice and it looks scary not pretty” “we’re just stating the truth not hating” “dun be a hypocrite and say you wanna recover yet not do it.” “I saw her throw away her sandwich and i just stared at her LOL *giggles*” “Stop comparing and being a triggering piece of shit la zzz admit it you just want attention and it’s so annoying how much negativity you bring to this community” “Here don’t eat and just starve. Don’t affect anyone with your stupid weight loss” “Are you glad you’re destroying yourself? I hope you’re happy when you’re dead. At this rate you’re gonna end up as shrivelled up as your grandma and grandpa” (same time my grandpa passed away) “You’re a joke seriously. Don’t act like you wanna recover and all then exercising away all your calories and so proud of it and telling everyone la annoying af. Fuckin hell” “Can no longer stand the sight of you” “Recovery? You don’t deserve to be in this recovering community. Don’t lie to yourself you’re not recovering” “stop purging la. i will just screw urse even more. Why keep being so self centred and focus on your body and looks only? u also are vbeing v selfish for those who are trying so hard for you n whom love u.” ‘You looked much cuter when you were skinnier”
“If you want to get well and recover then do it. don’t be a hypocrite. plus you’re affecting your frens and others as well cause it’s like you meet up with people and end up eating so little. it’s like advocating the wrong message.”
But nonetheless I was pushed on by anons and friends who comforted me and I am so grateful for it is Bec of them that I am still alive and strong enough to finally not take these haters’ comments so seriously. “Hi candice you may not know me nbu you are super strong and i think seeing your insta and your determination is just inspiring, please stay strong and eating more day by day and recovering bit by bit despite all your thoughts, you are my inspiration thank you” “You are incredibly beautiful..And when you smile i feel like it lights up your pictures. I hope you can soon find peace within yourself and life will be balanced for you.” “hey candice i know right now you might me going through a tough time but please know that you are very very loved <33 your grades, weight and any numbers do not define your worth at all – as hard as that may seem ro believe now. you’re amazing dear :)) hang in there!” I was struggling tremendously in school but I just withdrew from everyone and every single time I got back a result (since it was always bad), a whir of hateful thoughts would attack my brain “you stupid f-ing idiot. You are worthless, incapable and never good enough unlike her and everyone else in your class and in this school. You know what you are a permanent failure that will never ever make anything of yourself Etc” automatically I turned to ed and sh for comfort, I sat in the library during break so I wouldn’t be triggered or annoy people. I used over exercise as a method of compensation. For everything I ate, I must burn at least 500 cal or run about 10km each day despite never exercising in the past. I fell asleep in class so often Coz of this deficit in energy, from purging almost every meal at one point, my psychiatric pills that have side effects, and above all, restriction. I once was terribly late for an econs supp class Bec I was so caught up in the gym exercising, boy was it so embarrassing. All in all, I hope that this sharing is helpful to any of y’all who are secretly struggling. FB message me or anything, I believe that all this little pain constitutes to empathy and relatability to a small extent. I am willing to meet any of you all not just in AC, but other schools of any level, I am willing to speak of my testimony of how things get better even in AC itself. I don’t mind being the one brave enough to bare out her story Bec I felt that when I was in AC, everyone was put together and no one who graduated shared the actual personal struggles. How even though my A level results were seriously disastrous, God has a plan for me for I know I want to do Comms in SIM-UB and continue working for GFH that has offered me a possible work position for my future already, go speak out about mental illnesses and how to deal with it alongside school. It doesn’t end here and I love everyone of you who have given me so much support that an attention seeking bitch like me doesn’t deserve. All in all, i’m grateful for all the hurt, all the disappointment coz it showed be who my true friends are and made me more mature. All my “haters” made me become stronger and idk how much i said i hate you esp at that moment, you were in my life for a reason and i believe it is all in God’s greater plan.
The strength was somewhere in me all along.
There was a certain unconventional beauty that was hidden.
But what was lost is now found.
I am far from recovered but i am putting in my all NOW and i hope people can see that.