Thinking of Suicide?
it was 0345 hyperventilating with pauses of punishing release onto my skin with the pressure of innocent objects.
Desperation pulsated through my muscles as they worked out of tandem with my skeletal structure trying to hold on firm to stable sanity. Frantically flitting all around the bathroom to hopefully find anything that was sharp – why isin’t there anything?! maybe I should smash the mirror to collect shards to tear me apart but I restrained myself in fear that the shattering sound would wake the people who I know would have stopped me from continuing to self destruct. It all had to be sneaky, even the slamming of objects had to be soft, silent, my disappearance had to be noiseless to succeed. I halted my mouth from uttering words for help for someone had just made me feel like I don’t deserve to voice my feelings Coz it hurts others – I felt torn Coz that’s what people are asking me to do – #howru and “I’m always here for you if you need a listening ear”.
Enough was enough, all my divulging of secret emotions had always led to a catastrophe of regret for ever opening my mouth – people always made me feel worse no matter what. I had no one, I had strayed away from God, I couldn’t count on my unstable parents, I was alone and time was ticking well into the morning twilight. I thought I could handle this meltdown – I wanted to off myself so bad but I knew I couldn’t do it to the people around me, I would be hated even more than I already am. Even in death, I sought the approval of others. I forced myself to help myself by googling suicide, self-harm or eating disorder hotlines in Singapore. I was disappointed to only find one that was 24/7 – Samaritans of Singapore.
I was apprehensive at first – “they probably deal with cases where people are actually on the brink of dying or etc. Who am I to call them? I don’t deserve the help.” I did anyway, I quivered as I heard the receiver on the other end after waiting in a vacuum of contemplation of chickening out. I wanted someone to listen, but not someone who knew me, someone who would find me and stop me from doing more self damage. Why would I self sabotage my plan of slow suicide? I decided an anonymous source would be the best at this god forsaken hour of 4 in the morning. All the things I had held in, thinking I was superwoman who should withhold any weakness so as to not drag anyone down, so as to not let people be aware of my real condition and help me – I was shutting out the people who I know would stop me in a heartbeat. All of the concealed things buried deep starting spewing out involuntarily and it was a verbal purge of all that was wrong, all that I’ve been swallowing to hide from the public. After talking to the trained therapist on the other end, sure it wasn’t a magical cure but I calmed down significantly. She had asked me “do you still have any plans? What are you thinking of doing the next day?” And I was comforted by the fact that finally. Finally someone was calm when I said “I won’t kill myself, but I probably won’t eat the next few days” it’s I guess textbook “wrong” but I needed someone to make me feel like I was trying, i was not always at fault or not enough. The person from SOS made me remember that I still have a LIFE, and even by not eating, I am brave enough to continue to live another day.
This is my letter to people who are contemplating suicide:
Dear lil fighter, “Your mind is a lake and you let your demons tie cinder blocks to your ankles so you’d drown. I’d give whatever I could to bring you to the surface to show you that yes, you can still breathe.”
– Haley Hendrick
Listen to The Promise
“I may not even know your name, but I promise you I felt the same as you do right now, you’ll make it somehow.”
“No one has the right to judge you because no one really knows what you’ve been through. They may have heard your stories but they didn’t feel what you have felt in your heart.”
No one, including me, has the right to say that they feel the same as you – because of the degree of pain that you are subjected to. I mayn’t have felt your level of pain but I sure have had experienced at least a smidgen of the torment going on in your brain right now.
“And more than anything else in the world, I admire the way you carry your pain. Even the air around you stills, humbled by your bravery and your grace.”
- Nikita Gill
There are a few key things I want you to read before you do anything impulsive alright dears, so please give me the chance to give you that last shred of hope that your mind is rejecting.
“You never know what’s around the corner. It could be everything. Or it could be nothing. You keep putting one foot in front of the other, and then one day you look back and you’ve climbed a mountain.”
- Tom Hiddleston
I believe that after all the pain you’ve endured, you’re strong enough to live through the remainder of my letter from me to you. If you’re still reading this, I am so proud of you – hardly anyone, probably 90% of the people around you couldn’t have done what you just did. You are brave and I think that you are amazing for holding on, just keep clinging on alright? I’m with you.
Breaking down isint a sign of weakness. Unleashing these emotions is the bravest thing any human can do.
I guess the first thing that wrecked me whenever I’m in this state, is “I don’t deserve to even be this sad? I mean my life is good compared to so many others? I’m such an ungrateful weakling who was never meant to be born to live.”
Well my dear soldier,
“Don’t forget that you’re human. It’s ok to have a meltdown. Just don’t unpack and live there. Cry it out and then refocus on where you are headed.”
“You don’t have to try so hard. The pain is not your fault. The pain is not a character flaw or a quick fix. You don’t have to blame yourself for it or pretend it’s not there. Feel it. It’s OK to feel. Feeling takes strength.
It’s OK to be in pain.
It’s OK to say you’re in pain.
But always remember: You are not your pain. You are living with pain, but the pain is not everything.
The pain is, but you are more.”
Share your pain with people even though you fear – share it with that one or two people that you KNOW will always say the good things.
It begins with that step, that courageous move to take that risk. What more do you have to lose at this point? Think about it this way – you’ll feel less guilty bec you TRIED to confide in someone, you TRIED to save yourself, whatever happens thereafter, people can’t blame you for dying without trying –
you want people to remember your trying spirit?
Try it.
“On the darkest days you have to search for a spot of brightness, on the coldest days you have to seek out a spot of warmth; on the bleakest days you have to keep your eyes onward and upward and on the saddest days you have to leave them open to let them cry. To then let them dry. To give them a chance to wash out the pain in order to see fresh and clear once again.”
– Tahereh Mafi, Unravel Me
Because…
“Hiding your hurt only intensifies it. Problems grow in the dark and only become bigger and bigger. But when exposed to the light of truth, they shrink. You are only as sick as your secrets. So take off your mask, stop pretending you’re perfect and walk into freedom.”- Rick Warren
This pain is your temporary home, it’s just Windows and rooms that you’re passing through, this is just a stop to where you’re going – this feeling is not eternal and you are not confined to be its prisoner
“I think the devil’s biggest lie is to make you think that how you feel right now is how you will always feel forever.Please do not allow your mood to determine your entire value as a person. We get tired. We get cranky. We have doubts, frustrations, questions. And Jesus welcomes you graciously, the exhausted cranky doubtful you, and he will give you rest for your weary bones.You might think there’s some kind of “awesome version” of you hidden inside your skin, and maybe you feel like you’re always two steps behind trying to catch up to some experienced mature mold of you — but Jesus loves you, right now, unconditionally. It’s only this kind of pure love that will ever penetrate deep enough to actually bring about change in your heart, and even then, we must not be so hard on ourselves in this journey.Believe me: the seasons change. Feelings fade. Life goes on. Endure the late-night twitch and don’t beat yourself up. Let go of harsh self-evaluation. No matter how you feel, be kind and pray anyway. The same grace that you show others: have some grace for yourself too. And before you know it, you will be further along down this path without even hardly trying. The moment you quit trying to improve and simply rest in Christ, you’ll move forward.”- J.S. from this post
“You may not see it today or tomorrow, but you will look back in a few years and be absolutely perplexed and awed by how every little thing added up and brought you somewhere wonderful – or where you always wanted to be. You will be grateful that things didn’t work out the way you once wanted them to.”- Unknown
If no one’s there to pick you up, be a badass and empower yourself to live to testify of your strength and endurance
“There is an inner beauty about a woman who believes in herself, who knows she is capable of anything that she puts her mind to. There is a beauty in the strength and determination of a woman who follows her own path, who isnt thrown off by obstacles along the way. There is a beauty about a woman whose confidence comes from experiences; who knows she can fall, pick herself up, and move on.”
“You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, ‘I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.’ You must do the thing you think you cannot do.”- Eleanor Roosevelt
“Note to me…
I am the one who talks to me in my darkest moments. I’m the only one who really knows my deepest fears and pains, and the inner turmoil I have suffered. I’m the one with the power to put myself down or build myself up with my inner self talk. Other people can support, hold, love, encourage, guide and teach me but I am still the most important person who can make the choice to always love and be there for me – and I will.
I’ll be there for me.”
You don’t need validation of your bravery. If you hit this point of in fact that you decided to read this letter and halt whatever you’re doing..
“If you’ve ever doubted yourself, walk deep into any forest. Notice how the trees still stand even though they are given no recognition. Walk along any stream. The water still flows though no one is there to praise it. Watch the stars late at night; they shine without acknowledgement. Humans are just the same. We are made out of the same elements as these beautiful wonders. Always remember your beauty and self worth.”
“Always defend your right to heal at your own pace. You are taking your time. You are allowed to take your time.”
“I do not define myself by how many roadblocks have appeared on my path. I define myself by the courage I’ve found to forge new roads. I do not define myself by how many disappointments I’ve faced. I define myself by the forgiveness and faith I’ve found to start again. I do not define myself by how long a relationship lasted. I define myself by how much I have loved, and am willing to love again. I do not define myself by how many times I’ve been knocked down. I define myself by how many times I’ve struggled to my feet. I am not my pain. I am not my past. I am that which has emerged from the fire.”
Lastly,
“Keep fighting, young fighter.
Something tough will happen and you’ll want to fold up, pack up, back up, and go home.
But don’t count yourself out just yet. A setback is only a shutdown if you choose to shut it down. Around the corner it gets even tougher: but your joy is that much deeper as you see the finish line.
If God has given you a dream — of course it’ll be tough. Anything the size of God’s very own dreams will be crazy difficult. Which is exactly why we need Him and the very reason you’ll be able to follow through. In the end, you and everyone else will recognize it could not have been you, but God Himself flexing His breath through your heart and your hands.
Finish strong, young fighter.” — J