The Reason for My Veganning
“What you vegan?!"
“I could never do that. I love meat and dairy too much. How and WHY do you live like that?!"
“Did something happen/what sparked off your decision to turn vegan?!”
Lately, I’ve received tons of these questions, coupled with faces as scrunched up as a frozen shot of me in H2 math. I’ve found that so many people who aren’t acquainted with my past are appalled and sometimes disapproving of this lifestyle choice I have chosen to embark on.
Veganism was a journey into self discovery and reshaping my self concept.
I find myself rather torn about what to say when people present me with these questions, which in some cases were interrogative and disconfirming. I’ve heard comments where people have passed statements in disregard “aiyoh you’re already so thin you still vegan ah?!” Little did they know that it was veganism that made me regain my weight and most importantly, LIFE. On the contrary, it was the abstinence from the usual pleasures that spark salivation from most of them that rescued me from the grip of hankering after death. Staying away from these supposed foodporn prototypes was a comforting compromise from the drastic scene of relinquishing the joy of food in totality. People may say that I have very limited choices or that I’m depriving myself. I beg to differ; apart from the obvious permutations and combinations of vegan treats that have graced my life since then, initially, this tradeoff in exchange of my past loves like froyo made me rediscover who I am.
With veganism, I began to continually violate the ludicrous rule ED had set for me – to act like I hate food and expressing my cravings made me greedy.
With veganism, I have stopped the erroneous self condemnations that I regularly pronounced in my head to confirm my worthlessness.
I stopped allowing the demon in my head to label me as a “pig” and “whale”. I did away with these labels because it carried such unfair negative connotations for these innocent and lovely animals. Why am I passing such disparaging judgements against myself and these innocent souls? What gives me the right to selfishly attach the impression of laziness and slobbiness to cute critters like Esther the Wonder Pig?? It would be an utter act of disservice and discredit to the greatness of these animals who contribute to the very ecosystem sustaining life on earth.
Being vegan made me realize that I am more than my eating disorder.
They say that “as long as you build your identity out of your pain, you’ll never be free of it”. This has never been more accurate in my case. Veganism gave me the confidence and pride to be a member in a community that was actually compassionate and supportive of life; unlike the pseudo recovery one obsessed with competition and honestly, subtle excuses and alternatives to death.
Veganism made me choose life over death; compassion over hate; and forgiveness over vindication.
It was in January this year did I bury the hatchet with individuals I swore I would never forgive. Most of us had turned vegan in/after our recovery. Somehow I got tired of the spirit of hate and vengeance. It was far too exhausting to calculate and harp of the exact quotations of hurt hurled at me. Sure, at times of vulnerability, I may seek refuge in those comments as an excuse to get permission to feel the way I do… but I have apologised to them and even made friends with those I used to starve or cut over.
Because veganism made me replace hate and revenge with compassion and forgiveness.
Upon entering the realm of veganism, I had become more compassionate to myself. I began to nourish myself with foods that did not come from death. I relinquished the presence of blood and suffering from my food intake. It was as if the cruelty free means of attaining food motivated me to promote the image of enjoying life in recovery with the consumption of abundance. I was enthralled to exhibit this new me – one who basked in bowls of weetabix, whole watermelons and tons of nice cream. It was almost a new sense of pride. I no longer depended on the toxic source of ED to be “special”.
Arguably, this may be a misuse of veganism on my part, however,
“I think that you find your own way. You have your own rules. You have your own understanding of yourself, and that’s what you’re going to count on. In the end, it’s what feels right to you … Not what anybody else tells you.”
– Meryl Streep
My Veganning has sparked a spirit of life within me to deal with life with summoned courage to stand up for something I believe in.
The heart of compassion that lies at the centre has made me more in tune with animals and society at large because by eliminating animal products, not only do you save animals but you also enable the feeding of starving children. I have tried to refocus my gastronomic passion from one that was individualistic to something more broadly encompassing.
The main motivating factor for me to stay on track would have to be the animal cruelty videos. I remember when I had to get stitches and I cried not because it would hurt me (I had no issues with that since I craved self destruction anyways). What pained me was to imagine that what I was going through was a smidgen of the unwarranted torture that innocent creatures go through for their whole lives against their will. They are born into enslavement and suffering, yet here I was hankering after the outcome of their lives.
I asked myself why.
If I cried over the suffering of animals, why couldn’t I stop inducing suffering in my life. I embarked on my Veganning and realised that I could only make waves of compassion in their lives if I too embodied the same courage and determination to live as them.
Why veganism?
Because I chose life.
And will continue to choose it for as long as I live.