Hi, I Self-Handicap

I was doing my psychology readings earlier today and I saw the elaboration of this cognitive behaviour – and I legit took my marker and wrote “Omg this is me.” In depressing blue; how ironic.

It’s a sad truth that my “guilty pleasure” of coping with failure throughout my 19 years has been self-handicapping “Self-handicapping refers to actions or statements we make that allow us to avoid effort or responsibility for potential failures that could damage our self-esteem. It is much more embarrassing and harmful to our self-esteem to put forth effort and fail than it is to self-handicap and have excuses as to why we failed. When we self-handicap, our decisions and actions provide us with a way to internalize success while externalizing failure.” Honestly, whenever I tell people about my approach towards challenges along with my ability to foretell the disasterous outcomep prior, they laugh it off and say wow that’s an interesting way of looking at it…and I shrug it off with a “yeah I know right?! Great ideas from me eh?” Truth is; it took me so much to say it out in a joking manner – you have no idea what war was raging before those words could dare to leave my lips. Again, I fool you with my almost self deceptive carefree spirit. Even I start to believe it sometimes, I get shocked when I break down because I had brainwashed myself to believe that I am positively happy. Little did I know I was building up defences so high that I had enslaved myself to a cage of self-deabilitating limitations. I had instigated my fervent ground that bred nothing but disappointing inadequacy. Truth is; I indulge in self-handicapping. I am ashamed that I have resorted to this – why can’t I simply take failure with a pinch of salt and move on just like everyone else? I guess that’s partly due to my perfectionistic INFJ personality type. I’ve received countless personality reports that all corroborate with the point that my worst fear is – you guessed it – criticism/failure. With ridiculously high standards set internally, don’t be fooled with my joking comment of “aiya pass can alr la!” Or “I hope that I can get a B, B at best alr…” don’t believe my BS honestly – 98% of the time, I will never be content unless I get that A, that percentile in class. The social comparison plague permeates my lowered standards that I have crafted to suit my incapability. I forcibly accept my inferiority, notably, I am not agreeable to accept that I am anything less than my idea of perfection. You may say that I am unrealistic and ludicrous – well, yes I am. This is who I am. I can shower you at this point with assurances and promises of my attempt to improve my outlook and approach in life. However, truth is, I want to be brutally honest. I am not determined enough to endure this melding and come out of the fire scathed but unbroken. I rather be burnt to ashes than to be seen as a victim of blackened spots, marred with ugly marks. I rather die than live with myself as a permanent failure. Why exist when I can only fail, only believe that I am only capable of failing of being what I need to be?

From the beginning of time, I have been using this cognitive “strategy” to cope and seek reprise from my merciless inner critic. From primary school days when I’d deliberately pray that I would be ill and thank God that I developed a fever or tummy ache right before an exam. All of that wasn’t to skip an exam, but I remember the consistent pep talk I had “don’t worry, for your bad circumstance, even if you do badly, there is a reason. You aren’t incapable, it’s not your fault that you’re sick and you still fought to take a test.” It all boils down to self biasedness, a fundamental attribution error where I overemphasise on situational rather than dispositional factors. I deliberately exacerbate the dire state of my situation just so I can give myself a menial break from my mental laceration of self condemnation.

It’s not my fault

I chant to myself as pitifully and piecemeal self assurance. I am desperate for any rationale as to why I suck at life essentially. Right down to the present, I realise that the reason why I don’t want to really fully let go of ED is because I know that with or without it, I am doomed to a life of purposelessness and failure. I have no ability to execute my passions, i am too ambitious and whether I recover or not, I’ll never ever be able to achieve my dreams. This sounds so pessimistic but it’s just something I’ve developed in my mind over the years.

I am tired of pretending like I have no expectations (as I jokingly quote “no expectations, no disappointments.”) when I downright have them engraved in my head instinctively. I may say to you and even myself that I’ll be content with a C, but when I do get that or even a C+, I still feel the urge to self punish as I am drowned in the blanket of happy “yessss’s” in the lecture hall when people receive their results.

As such, despite numerous people telling me how much more I can achieve without ED in my life- I beg to differ. Even without ED, I was still bullied in sec 1. Even with a low weight all through Sec 4 and mid J1, I was at the top portion of the academic cohort. Thus, sure when I was doing well, yes I wasn’t affected my ED mentally; however, my physical build had no impact, rather had a facilitating role of catalysing great achievements. I think to myself – shouldn’t I go back to that then?

Even for my first round of exams in uni, I was studying with the same calm and confident attitude I had never even dreamt of regaining again after Sec 2…yet I was way sub-par for those exams. What difference does it really make for me to recover or not. Even without ED, I suck at life. If I have a self comforting event (even if it is a pitiful lie woven up by yours truly), at least ED could convince me slightly that I had permission to fail. To others, they may think “oh she did badly not coz she’s stupid but coz she’s fighting so hard with her illnesses.” Imagine if I hadn’t even struggled so much in J2 and done equally bad in A levels…people would switch from their understanding sympathy towards me straight to assuming “oh she didn’t study la, lazy.”

I’ve taken it to higher levels. I deliberately started working, even the night till 11+pm the night before certain exams instead of mugging at home – all to tell myself that “oh I did badly coz I was working, no time to study.” I interpret it as – if I do badly coz I didn’t put in my all, that’s less demoralising than failing despite putting in my all. At least I don’t continue looking like the fool I have been from the beginning. It was something situational to me in a sense- ED was situational and not a dispositional genetic weakness. It was context driven and out of my control? Well that’s what I think mainly, which is obviously debatable on so many levels.

Why should I give up on the only thing that gives me an excuse to screw up in life?