"Why Can't I Forgive My Parents? I'm a bad daughter"
- Candice Chee
- Mar 24, 2017
- 5 min read
From the earliest age, we've been indoctrinated with the moral conduct of "forgive and forget" - but honestly how usable and possible is this idealistic idea of "I'm a good person"?
As I am filled with vindictive resentment and grudges that I pretend to bury, it gets intercepted by the external force of foreign opinion towards your level of piety. You want to source for people to vent with you when you are angry at someone or something, (though you know deep down that it isint healthy, just just darn it it feels so innate and more comfortable doesn't it?)
I think I am a rather unforgiving person - I fake to forgive most of the time just so I can shove it aside and focus on the major task at hand and progress in life instead of staying static. However, I KNOW deep down I harbor this raging river of animosity that I hide behind professionalism and basic social conduct to prevent social suicide. I don't know if y'all feel it, but I sure do and I'll admit to the fact that I do pretend sometimes.
During therapy sessions, they ask me to describe a time of happiness with your family - a good memory. The thing is I find myself so deeply rooted in fixating on the past hurt, the historical scars seared on my skin and my heart. I sit there with the therapy worksheet on the table as I pondered long and hard. Nothing. Think more. Maybe there was that one time...but then wait THAT happened...Come on there must be something... And that's when my mind collapses into itself.
I am incredibly sure there were numerous good memories from my privileged childhood but somehow I just threw them all away, it was washed clean smidge of childhood glitter could be seen deriving from my parents. I sink into my chair and I desperately scan my head for the littlest of examples so I have something to share in group. I sit there tomato embarrassed (hah Em) as I hear of all them recount a lovely holiday or etc. I'll be honest, a part of me was pissed Coz I didn't get to experience that familial joy. But then I know deep down, what was disappointing was knowing that others could look past the flaws of their family and actually bring themselves to mention that holiday that went relatively good - albeit possible arguments and hurtful words. I then realised: "oh crap, how horrible a daughter am I to be so ungrateful for all the good things my parents have undoubtedly done for me? Why couldn't I just let it go and be more loving and understanding. They are human after all."
Yes they are human. But I am human too. Remember that when you're berating yourself over being upset with your parents - you are entitled to feel as you ARE human, the same way they express their anger as HUMANS. Sure, I know at this point, some of you will argue "oh they are better human beings, I am bad, I don't deserve to be entitled or to express any feelings, especially hurt." Thing is, we are all human, we are all equally bestowed with the equal birthright of emotions. This is something I always forget and need to be reminded that's why I am writing this - isint it so easy to just deny yourself of rights Bec your mind compels you to do so? The real strength is to grant the rights you, like everyone else deserves.
Years of hurt, 19 and counting, I have grown up in a climate of instability among seeming stability. I realise an inherent part of my selfish desire is to haul people to my side when I feel like my parents have wronged me. I have grown up to believe that I need to have a bank of specific examples to defend yourself in an argument - "last week like afternoon like that before snack, I helped you fold the clothes." Etc back up so as to say as you enter the void of hunger for rationality.
I've realised I've kept up one terrible habit which is to cling onto the past - good or bad - but more so than ever bad. After all, when I was attacked by people (third parties) I needed to gather my arms and weapons by citing every example of incorrect behaviour they have exhibited in front of me. I needed to be heard right? To be believed?
I have fallen down the rabbit hole of guilt and shame as others and I put me down by siding with my parents and forcing me to be the one to be the "bigger person" and take the initiative to patch things up. I was tired of being the sacrificial lamb as I grew up being just Coz I was the youngest and I had to apologise in front of my dad when I was as young as 6? I was tired of trying to forgive. I saw it as impossible to forget nor did I want to forget the wrong people ESP my parents have done to me. I admit I had the selfish desire to make people see that they were bad so they would I don't know pity me and come over to my side.
I think this whole game of winning people to whichever camp has been pertinent in most chapters of my life from family to friends. I always felt the urge to pull people away towards me and away from the people who were perceptively mean to me.
I didn't want to forgive Coz I knew I wouldn't forget so what's the point of trying to look like I forgive them when I'm gonna hold these against them for the rest of my life.
I don't know if anyone else faces the same problem of perceived criticism from third parties when you dismiss your parents. But I for one, won't judge you Coz I know darn well the intense inner conflict of expected family values and individual needs. Up to this day, I dig up every bad conversation and lecture/scolding from more than a decade ago. Talk about not letting it go much? The words are imprinted in my head and the weird thing to people is that I never want to let them off the hook for saying something that left behind a jarring scar.
So don't feel like you're the worst daughter ever - Coz I used to and still swing to that thinking sometimes. Recognise that the hurt is very real and THEY did do damage. But you know one thing? We don't need to forgive and forget as many moral education classes preach. You can do it immediately, you can do it after a few hours and you can do it after many months or years. Take tmr to heal that jarring wound and give it time to scar over and fade. Take things slow. It's not your fault for holding grudges Coz I know there must be one legitimate reason that is halting you from your regular more tolerant nature - the repetitive hurt and "love" and then hurt again infinitely. Don't force yourself to forgive there and then but know that you can probably start by doing acts of service for them first instead of directly talking to them and openly showing your love to your parents... For me what I did was to cook for them/buy them meals and make cards (rarely but it happens) start with this and soon, you'll feel the hate slowly dissolve, it will not vanish but they aren't blocking your vessels to acceptance and moving on and soon you'll grant yourself the same forgiveness when you hurt others.