"Why Aren't You Attached?!"
Haha, coz'...
y u do dis man
Just Jokin' Gurl.
They often preach that romantic relationships are a God given right to everyone – inherently being human entitles you to all these privileges *new flash to Candice and all the cat ladys out there like me* I still find it hard to swallow as I look at all my friends move on happily with certain *coughs* soul mates or so they say. Most of the time I look at my friends in awe and a tinge of jealousy (which evidently flares up when everyone is with their boo and I’m on my own watching horror shows like Scream and indulging in an unhealthy dosage of cute cat videos and pictures) I am amazed and somewhat longing to be able to reach the point of allowing yourself to be loved – even my friends who are deep in mental illnesses and hate themselves so much they want to off themselves – they CAN allow another person in and believe that they deserve that life support. I wanted that. Correction: we all want that – but why am I one of the weird few who just can’t allow myself to have a socially celebrated source of joy and emotional support. Why am I like this.
It’s not that I’m totally cynical about love – i congratulate my friends when they get attached and go all goo-goo-gaaaa-gaaa when they share their confession stories and sweet acts of service. I get all excited (like OMG AWWW) when my OTP or if a cute couple in a movie are passionate and kind to each other. I think that love CAN be real and thoughtful with minimal malicious intent. However, somehow I have crafted the staunched belief within me that even though there is proof that real love exists, I’m just not destined to have it – I simply don’t deserve it.
Okay, hold up there I know you’re thinking I’m pulling a pity party for myself – well yes loneliness is sad and I envy all my best friends who have been super close to me then distance away after they get attached. I guess this is the very reason why I’m typing this. In the realm of my friends, I have seen almost everyone I know thrusting themselves into the “clutches of love” (as I coin) either that or they have given guys a fair chance, allowed themselves to be admired or hoping to God that the love (rather I feel probably infatuation) they feel towards their eye-candys will be magically reciprocated and they ride off into the sunset like Disney brainwashed us to believe.
I remember turning to destructive coping mechanisms for days to cope with the guilt of daring to think I deserved love. I remember tearing myself down for even giving a guy my number. It was an act of desperation I tell myself. Don’t be a needy girl. For all my life, once I felt that if I would want someone, shame will sweep me away and compel me to push away the very positive chances that have been thrown my way. What’s my reaction? Obviously, being me, I immediately and automatically psyche myself to think that this is wrong Candice. Leave. Run. How dare you?? So yes I have just halted all relations that could have developed beyond what I felt what was morally correct in my head. I usually cut them out completely from my life to convince my mind that I can’t stand the person, fabricating or simply exaggerating any flaws just to justify and rationalise internally.
So I guess at the rudimentary level, I am not attached because I feel that it is simply wrong for a person like me to have. The moment I think that I have ANY feelings at all, I will allow myself to have a one off experience and jam stop it there before anything else happens (it shouldn’t after all) I suppose my mind is powerful enough to the point where I force myself to believe that asexuality is the pure route in life, no filth and contamination. If there was anything I felt was unclean – it better be purged out as much as possible.
I’m still wrangling with these thoughts but in the mean time I’m pushing people away. I mean what I believe is important is that:
Self love comes above all else. How can you devote yourself to love another when you can’t do it at the fundamental internal level?
As it is often said
“If you’re struggling, you deserve to make self-care a priority. Whether that means lying in bed all day, eating comfort food, putting off homework, crying, sleeping, rescheduling plans, finding an escape through a good book, watching your favorite tv show, or doing nothing at all — give yourself permission to put your healing first. Quiet the voice telling you to do more and be more, and today, whatever you do, let it be enough. Feel your feelings, breathe, and be gentle with yourself. Acknowledge that you’re doing the best you can to cope and survive. And trust that during this time of struggle, it’s enough.”
— Daniell Koepke
“Dare to love every person, including yourself. Become the energy of love.”
– Bryant H. McGill
“Love yourself unconditionally, just as you love those closest to you despite their faults.”
I’ve realised this from the moment my first friend got attached – as she said “you only enter a relationship if you are confident of yourself enough to practice self love.”
Which I sense is incredibly true – think about it all that talk about women staying in abusive relationships (it’s fundamentally Coz they have most likely forgotten or perhaps never got down to exercise self love and preservation) I read up that sometimes staying in an abusive relationship to continue being hurt deliberately is a form of self harm.
Another thing that I realised is based off from my own family. I mean mom has battled with OCD, Anxiety and Depression her whole life and regardless if you think you’ve found your Prince Charming, the inevitable innate reactions or exasperation explode from time to time. My dad used to tell my mom that she’ll never recover.
Before growing that seed of self love, she was completely enslaved, living according to his rules and to keep him happy. She felt like it was her “duty” and “commitment” but that’s what got me so angry. As much as certain things are your responsibility and you’re pushed by idk your idea of love, you need to know how to love yourself enough to say
No
and
Walk Away From Toxicity
TAKE A MAJOR BREAK TO REDISCOVER YOUR WORTH BEFORE THESE PARTNERS DEPLETE THEM TO NON-EXISTENT LEVELS
It was only after my mom mustered enough self worth that she had to dig deep after all the cement and rubble layered on top of her bones accumulated from years of under-appreciation that today she can have the courage to say that she will walk away Coz she doesn’t care what he says Coz she is happy with HERSELF
The way I see it – there is the presence of some form of love in the before and after but I realised that it only hits its full potential when you
Make that decision to allow love to come upon yourself from the inside that you can allow outside elements to enhance that pre-existing self love.
Outside elements cannot build your foundation of self love because that will collapse into itself and leave you trapped in the debris helpless of how to love anyone anymore.