The Answer is Undefined

If you've been tortured by endless questions of P&C and etc in H2 Math, you'll know that there are infinite answers in a vertical line where you'll proudly announce that it is undefined. The analogy here is rather thought provoking - we fret when we don't get immediate clear cut answers like x=2.16 (3sf). You'll slide up and down the steep inclination - you'll feel on top of the world at times, yet right now, you may be fixating on how you're just angled at 180° to tunnel into the ground of "I'm never gonna make it in life so let me just burrow myself into the oblivion" I have felt that way for most of my JC life, so dear whoever is in distress now, it's alright, I'm here to try my best to help you in any way I can xx 

'Undefined'

True enough. Though we have been brought up to believe that alphabets are the cornerstone of life, building us up for communication and engagement in society, the alphabets you see on your result slip as of now do not  define you in the slightest way. You my dear are undefined. 

A year ago when I too collected my result slip for my A levels; boy, was I a wreck. I had chosen to open my slip on top of the roof of one of the blocks in ACJ. I was with one of my lovely juniors who voluntarily supported me in this moment of weakness. I had another friend - the first friend I made in AC. Even before opening my slip, I was already in tears from the knowledge that the person I had spent my whole Jc life trying to be had "won" by scoring her way on stage. I saw my 12 year-childhood friend hop onto stage with 7 distinctions, along with 2 of my sec 4 clique friends getting acclaim as well. I was the loser of the lot again. I tore away at the crowd of students and broke away from my form teacher who was earnestly trying to grab my arm before I took off on impulse. On the roof, upon casting my eyes upon my pathetic grades, it sealed the deal. Inside, I was waiting to break free from my friends and jump from the roof. I was pinned to the stone tiled bleachers near the entrance of school thereafter as well as I wanted to run away to a mall to get blades and cut my way info ceasing to exist. I saw no purpose. No hope. And absolutely clouded with such embarrassment for being the black sheep. Given my background of good academic institutions which had expectations, I felt like a complete failure for drilling in a black hole of pristine honouring brightness that all my peers had managed to bring to the school. 

I was a student who would score all As for national examinations, i took so much pride in that because that's all I was. That was the only achievement I could draw my worth from all my life. So what now? Am I worthless? Since I have failed at the only thing that I depended on for my purpose to live,why am I still alive? 

I had spent my entire JC life in such an unnecessary battle. I wasted all my energy trying to destroy myself - how could I expect glory at the end of the day? From all As, my grades ended up as BEDB/BAA. The thing is that I had only scored As for PW and Chinese which I had taken when I was nourished and not berating my body as much in J1. I had wasted my entire J2 year from being on the honour roll in J1 to the worst remedial classes. I was sleeping in classes all the time, I was purging almost every day in school, I was always frozen in an inner anxiety attack as I couldn't concentrate until I could use my blade. I spent most of my time in school behind toilet cubicles essentially. 

I thought to myself there was absolutely no way of redemption out of this. I had brought this horrible string of alphabets upon myself because I didn't get my priorities in check. You may be thinking to yourself that you too have brought this upon yourself but babe it's not your fault. You fought long and hard. So so hard. Sometimes people tell me that I did badly for As not coz I'm stupid but coz I wasn't even present mentally for the most part. But I have always rejected that, thinking that this was all my fault regardless. I did not deserve to blame anything or anyone else, my illness shouldn't have affected me - I was just lazy and unmotivated. 

But ask yourself, what does all this pummelling negative condemnations have to do with contributing to your glow as a person. This toxicity just poisons your shine, dampening it to dying embers and soon it will be extinguished if you continue to let it. 

Don't let your shine die. Live on because that is the bravest thing you can do to show everyone that you are undefined. 

There are so many ways, so many possible answers that lie in that vertical line plotted on the graph. There are so many ways to attain that sense of worth and purpose in life. I didn't bother trying to apply to a local u because I had zero faith and I was unprepared to face cold rejection again. So I ended up in SIM-UB. 

Undoubtedly, I still feel awfully ashamed to say where I'm studying now. 60% of my close friends are pursuing medicine/vet/dentistry works, funnelled by prestigious scholarships. Another 35% in local unis plastering my social media with pictures with hall mates, clad in their uni tees that scream "I have made it" - I wanted that so badly. Even my profs were bewildered when I told them where I used to study - "then what went wrong?! Why did you choose sim??" I had batchmates in uni too who blatantly asked me "do you ever feel sad that all your friends made it to local unis and you didn't?" It cuts me. And those moments when I always try to avert the question of "oh you're a student?? Where are you studying now??" I vaguely answer "uni" hoping that the prodding will end there, but nope they ask where!? This is where they start hurling out expected places such as NUS? SMU? NTU? I simply shake my head to all and they say then where?!?? I feel like my path of tertiary education is unrecognised as a legit route that is acceptable. I feel horribly judged as they say "oh." And stop there, leaving me to think ... yeah I guess I'm a failure in your eyes. 

Despite these moments of doubt, I tell myself that my reason for landing up here is all what I'm gonna make outta it. I can choose to stay ashamed and be afraid to truly reach my dreams that I had thrown out the window in J2; or I could be a new person. 

I try to tell myself that I'm taking the road less travelled, but that doesn't mean that that's the end. It's all based on equifinalty - there are so many methods of attaining the success you want at the end of the day. I had never grown so much in such a short period of time. I am no longer afflicted with the same demons that tell me that digits define me. I am actually telling my friends to chill out for exams and not get hung up about the A. I just go heck it! I did my best and it's too tiring to starve in anticipation of an impending bad grade OR binge so much in advance as if I'm a bear about o go into hibernation in fear that a bad grade would mean starving for the next few days to punish myself.

I dug up the courage to get a job and balanced it alongside uni. I was tired of being a slave to digits so I diverted my obsession with grades to actually making headway in work experience. I worked at milk and honey for 4 months and in that time, I discovered so much about myself, learnt how to be more calm in any bursts of anxiety and I've made such a huge circle of friends there. I learnt to deal with people and getting recognition and trust from my supervisors simply made me realise that why the heck was I wasting the past few years fixating on grades as the only derivation of my abilities as a human being?? 

I am truly living life. I found life after trashing mine. And I hope that you'll feel hopeful that your life doesn't end with these alphabets but you always have the power to form anagrams out of those letters into something powerful that will make you so glad that you were given this deal of scrabble tiles. You were given pain but you can make gold out of it. You can be given chaos and mountains to make beauty out of them. You will be given apprehension to make certain of what you never want to revert back to. You are undefined and your limit does not exist.