"Others Can Succeed, I Just Can't"
I scan through the mark sheet in class to double check my results – but I inevitably glance at letters and numbers that I intended to avoid (for yknow self preservation, you’ll see why)
You see the gleeful spirit that exudes out of the high achievers as their true feelings betray the fake humility that they are obliged to display. You see mediocre peers with that professional mask of socially celebrated optimism – “aiya fail also nevermind, just kill it next time la!” And you look around, hoping, just hoping that you’ll find another soul in a pit of depressing self destruction as you. No one. I think “see? I am weak. Even when people are hurting, they have the strength to contain themselves maturely and learn from their mistakes without dwelling too much in regret. Since i’m the weakest, there is NO WAY i’m going to make it anywhere when everyone else takes flight. I am the loser of the lot, the black sheep that tarnishes the image of the class/school who is just a baby who can’t take in failure.”
I understand this feeling all too well. This thought process was a veteran in my head particularly actively since the age of 15, intensifying majorly in Junior College. I heard of friends exclaiming in desperation “i’m doing so bad and everyone’s so disappointed in me & no matter what i do i still screw up.” For me, the last line harbours the powerful word of “still” – I try and try and try so so hard and nothing. I am a disgrace to society. Despite ridiculous copious amounts of attempts in improving myself with seemingly fool proof ways highlighted by the rules of logic and rationality (where more effort = better results) I STILL CAN’T MAKE THE CUT. I can’t make the grade. I am destined to fail in life.
I believe that this is automatic almost for someone who has been slapped in the face with the same
soul crushing self disappointment multiple times.
I certainly felt that to the point where I psyche myself to repeat my mantra of “no expectations, no disappointments”.
You see those A’s, those outstanding CCA accolades among the big pond (well sea Coz we are in Singapore) of prodigies with your head hung low. You smile and cheer forcefully sometimes when you’re hurting when you see all your friends one by one called on stage for an award while you sit on the lonesome island of no useful capabilities. The water comes in, washes up on your shore, threatening to take more and more of your potential for growth and you’re stranded on a strip of land with no more strength and resources to fight back anymore.
Recently, I’ve been moodily scrolling through my IG feed as I see friends posting pictures with their orientation group in prestigious local universities. I’ve shoved feelings of shame as I see how great my friends are doing as my Facebook feed floods with screenshots or acceptance letters into places such as Yale-NUS, Yale itself and so on. I hear my whole circle of non-ED friends getting amazing scholarships, pursuing courses like medicine and high academia subjects. Right “I’m happy for them, they are achieving their dreams …*i should be right?* ” I don’t know about anyone else but for me, I am genuinely happy for them for a few moments, but then the inner critic intrudes this pure portrait and immediately I put myself down for not being as successful in life as everyone around me. You love your friends and are proud of them, but you know deep down, it catalysed worry about where YOU are heading, and how far away you are from their level of capabilities and qualifications.
I am currently battling with these thoughts intensively but I’ve decided to write it out and reflect about things I could do about this toxic cycle – at the same time I hope it helps some of you guys.
I think there are a few things you have to remember:
1) Uneven launching pad
– all of us are born with a spectrum of skills and intelligence levels. Let’s face it, we are not all born equal. We are unique after all and our capabilities and interests are two of the many things that distinguishes us. Everyone has that special superpower belt of weapons and cool accessories, bestowed to us from birth, with imprints of possible aspirations and God given gifts needed to be solidified with developmental years and determination. Fact is – we all have a different belt that we can whip out in lives. I think what’s important is to know that belts have limited lengths and space. There is only so much you can possess, certain gifts are like ginormous broaches that occupy tons of space on your belt, leaving less space for the rest – but this stark feature convinces everyone that you are beyond our level of combined capabilities smushed together. Some of us have little badges of courage for every little skill we dare to start cultivating and we become well rounded. Some of us have a belt that is filled with sparse amulets of achievement, but don’t forget that this belt will often be blessed with adjustable lengths, given way more potential to build its empire of success on this blank canvas. These are just some of the types of belts we have and everyone yes has a belt, they are all different, you could possess a limited edition pepper spray that makes you stronger than anyone else Coz they they haven’t lived your life.
2) Different Circumstances and Difficulties
Going forth with my (I think wow this sounds like a great one, but I know when I look back it’s gonna sound so cringeworthy) analogy about the belt. Some of us start off with different belts, some made of real leather, predisposed to durability and gifted with fortune to allow the people wearing them to pursue their dreams more easily. Some of us feel unsuccessful and un-gifted as we are given flimsy and thin straps around the waist only meant of children aged 5-11. It’s hard for us with our history, our family demographic traumas that all have worn down our canvas to built our capabilities. Maybe this is why we find ourselves lagging behind while people are already spamming their belt with so many accolades as eagerly as Girl Scouts towards their sashes of validation.
Say, you could be going through family abuse, addiction, substance abuse, social trauma, mental illnesses, physical illnesses or etc. Sure you and some people may argue that I can’t use these as excuses for my failures (as I often refuted similarly) but I think it is crucial that we acknowledge the marked difference the difficulty of our journey and number of hurdles drags on the time we need to complete the race. Leading to my next point…
3) Purposeful Timing
This walks along the precarious edge of early and later bloomers. As a society, I suppose we are used to demand and desire immediate a success and premature signals of positive prospects. We associate those who display greatness at a young age – say when we look at the top PSLE scorers plastered on the bus stop posters advertising Brands Chicken Essence – as those who are going to succeed in life and be key pillars in society. As much as they mostly do end up like that, I wish you guys will remember that the very people who have had that rugged belt to begin with, you need the time to heal, to recuperate and restore your full force to match up to the ones already blessed with the untainted leather belts. In time my dear, “rivers know this, there is no hurry, we shall get there some day.”
There are obviously so many things I’ve overlooked and sure there are many loopholes in my argument here but this is all my brain can crank out at night ok haha and I can’t encompass everything so pls don’t hate!
All in all, I want y’all reading this to know that it’s okay to feel like you’re suckish at everything and destined for failure. I’ve been there and honestly I’m still battling through this (with many of y’all too!) and we can do it as long as we try, take the initiative and change the mindset we have, regardless of the size of our actions, it all begins somewhere and for me it is bringing myself to write this post.