"I Am There for You"

I frantically scroll through the top few contacts of my Whatsapp contacts. You reassure yourself oh they said they'll be there for me whenever - call me beep me if you wanna reach me as a way to put it. I wallow in self doubt as you start to overthink and question their intentions in their previous dialogues with you sending virtual hugs and spamming tons of inspiring quotes. You know they care and they have the purest intention of helping you but were they suitable - were they the ones who COULD support you at this instance - in this situation. It varies doesn't it - who will be there for you - who will be better at being there for you in that context.

Desperately, I type a plea of resuscitation from everyone I deemed as safe enough not to pass judgement and think would validate me.

It was a careful selection that had to be done and one wrong move and overestimated and misguided impressions of people could wreck your mood for the entire day as they make your day go from bad to worse with their "encouragements" that just aren't right for you and kill you more inside.

I start going through the bottom few contacts, the ones I hardly talk to, my archived chats, perhaps I could make small talk and weave in my pity party story and gain sympathy as most of us actually downright desire when we are down. I haven't talked to her in a year, perhaps....no I can't do that...how about...nah she can't either, she will JUDGE.

The J word.

As we fawn over with overflowing awww's and compassionate passages of comfort when we are told by our friends that "I will always be here for you whenever you need me." And "if you ever need a listening ear, I'm all open." Your inner soul just jingles with hope of human empathy and compassion - you are reminded not to stringently adhere to the views of cynicism thrown at us like unwanted pamphlets along the road promoting tuition services. These very people who bother to send plonks of heartfelt text must have taken so much damn courage and downright a good heart. I am grateful for every message from random schoolmates or even anons.

But what does it truly mean to be there for someone.

I am guilty of making the same old empty promise - or well over promise that I will always be there for someone.

Fact is, there's a 90% chance that you can't be there for them 24/7 - in actuality the only one they have there for them eternally is themselves and (if they believe) God. As friends we tend to over commit and promise things we'd want to hear, the standard best friend stuff, we want to bring caring for a friend to an extremity to prove just how much they mean to that person to halt the victim from spiralling downwards into the blood sucking cycle of self blame and degradation.

No doubt, there will be people who will go to the ends of the earth with you *to make you feel my love* haha Adele. There WILL be these special few rare spirits that lurk around as your guardian angels.

But what does it mean "I am there for you" does it mean I'll run immediately to wherever you are if I know you're having a meltdown? Probably one feature of it. Does it mean to go through thick and thin almost commitual like a marriage binding them to "till death do us part" I agree! Loyalty makes fair whether friends look like worms in the sand, present but will bury into the darkness if they can't deal with the glaring pain you're enduring.

---

For me personally, I constantly thirst for people to be there for me. I know many people are theoretically as they assure me. But is this the "being there for me" treatment I needed? Was their method and approach what could get me through this ordeal?

I was so picky as to choose who would be there for me at that instant. When was their last seen? Would they reply me now/soon? Were they stable enough? Were they busy? Would I be disturbing them? Would I bring them down? Will I trigger them? The question resounded like sonorous zaps of sound waves as they popped up repeatedly everytime I saw a new possible "candidate" on my contact list. There are so many factors determining who you perceive is there for you. I am picky that way. I source out based on their personality and cross refer if it matches the context of my plight. Family issues go to x, friends issues go to y, internal issues go to z, relationship issues go to q, past trauma haunting you - go to j. It's so complex bec for me - each person is specialised and meant to handle only one category, it is unfair to unload all your dirty laundry at one washing site. Your mind just trails back to previous conversations you had ages ago as you take the precautionary steps as to whether to proceed with seeking help from this person. Will they scold you? Will they be against you? Will they understand? Heck I know darn well how I choose. I choose the ones that will have a pity party with me and validate all my suffering. I choose the one who joins in my pain and anger against the treatment I get. I choose the ones who side with me and trash the opponent. That's just how I am and I know it's selfishly bad but I feel that it is the natural thought process some of us emotionally disturbed people have. We say "TW" (trigger warning) and say that no one cares JUST SO we can hopefully receive a swarm of reassurances from friends and people you don't even know on Instagram. I crave that validation to recognise my pain is real and I'm not imagining not exaggerating it in my hypersensitive mind. I need a third party who will agree with me how darn hard it is for me.

I used to feel guilty for this, but I'm starting to feel like it's normal to want to feel pitied when we are tossed into the garbage. No one wants to hear how they aren't understanding the garbage thrower's point of view of good intentions to get rid of your filthy negativity . I feel that we all crave validation and consensus to satisfy our insecure selves, the inner ghost that hides beneath and shows his presence in times of vulnerability.

Well, what I've realised is that people can be there for you all they and you want. They can say all the amazing encouragements to lift you up. But I've realised the missing piece. I walk away from every rant session feeling unfulfilled and unheard of despite the look of absolute attention of their faces. I just feel like nothing has changed and they barely said anything that made me feel re-markedly better.

We often hear about self compassion and we mockingly dismiss the supposed model ways of writing letters to ourselves and telling ourselves I can do it. I believe yes this may work for quite a few, but my rootedness of my self hate was so deeply entrenched that it would be hard to eradicate in a matter of time like that.

You know what I wanted? What I have been craving for? The missing piece?

It was myself.

---

Every time I derive joy from helping to talk things out with a friend in desperate need. I evaluate their situation as well as I thought was right.

The usual template goes like this:

1) Firstly, validate their struggles, reassure them that they gave every damn right to cry or breakdown given her extreme circumstance. It would be painful for me and most people go go through

2) Secondly, provide a short recount of your similar feelings and shared experiences in a context close to theirs.

*it should be short, coz from what I have felt, I hated it when people went on and on about their struggle and elaborate on the difficulty on them, though I know they mean well to comfort you that you aren't alone. But truth be told, idk about others but I wanted to be alone. I wanted to be the most severe sufferer and I didnt want any competition to come close to my so called "calibre" of "courage" to do extreme things (we all know deep down this ain't courage at all)

3) Thirdly, talk about what you did in your context and then slowly weave in some edits according to the specific context she is going through now. Don't preach to her what to do methodically - it ain't gonna register at least for people like me. "Easier said than done" will be spinning on your head eh as you look at the people who are trying to help you with contempt. Well I guess that was for me.

4) Lastly, and off with reminders of the person's strength and how she overcame the seemingly impossible - remind her that this is just going to end up in the bank of victories you can reminisce on when you feel empty. "I believe in you, I don't care if you have lost all faith in yourself but I refuse to let anyone ESP someone as precious to me as you go feel hopeless. I will say to them I love them a lot, and they deserve this encouragement and love Coz they ARE good and cite examples of their goodness to people and to you

yourself.

I guess these are my steps that I take when I comfort my friends - since it gives both parties the most rewarding satisfaction and hope, I think what I need to do now is to become the force I wish to in people - it is time to say "I am there for you" to your own body in every chapter of your life.