Give Meaningless Meaning
Life has no meaning. Each of us has meaning and we bring it to life. It is a waste to be asking the question when you are the answer. - Joseph Campbell
Some of y'all may be wondering what I'm up to - haha jk - this is just a stalling line to get more audience interaction lols. But any who - people, even my doctor etc seem shocked that I'm doing surprisingly well since discharge.
I guess they must be like wow where did the childish and illness-obsessed girl go? Tbh when my doctor asked me how I've been doing after discharge just 2 days ago, I said yeah I'm okay. Her eyes widened and her middle aged excitement was uncannily amusing as she exclaimed "you mean ALL GOOD??? ^^" I guess after 4 years of hearing that I'm struggling and doing badly almost everytime I see her, this glimmer of hope with that simple (and for once genuine) "okay" or "good" was just like wow *excuse me while I get blown away by this whoosh of OMG THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING?!*
For years, I was stuck in the same rut as I guess many other people have gone through/are struggling through now. I'm not about to state my kaleidoscope of vocab regarding the ever so creative self condemnations Coz I'm pretty sure your mind has told you all of them before and I don't think you'd want to read it in real life just so that your mind can absorb the physical words just so you can degrade yourself more. YES, I KNOW WHAT YOU AIM TO DO BY READING TOXIC LINES LIKE THAT. I used to search up songs that literally had lyrics that put me down just so I could physically hear the evident proof that someone thinks that way of me, it is real, it isint imagined.
Ok I keep blabbering but hey - I just wanna say that my heart breaks literally when I hear anyone saying that life is meaningless. I agree that life itself as a noun with just consonants is useless but I believe YOU are the author of the language of your mind and you can add the vowels of value into your life back again. With just the backbone of the potential of a purposeful life, I guess some of us get overwhelmed with the overly blank canvas. We see the untainted purity of the pearl white and we are just so afraid to make it a piece of art Coz we are afraid that our brushstrokes of bravery and shadings of shame may lead to a less than perfect masterpiece, unworthy to be remembered or even interpreted for it's meaning.
We spend ages drafting a blueprint sketch of our future but we end up erasing and re-drawing at almost every chapter of our lives. We make smudges and we think that this flaw reduces your life to something unworthy of admiration and continuance.
Remember how these are pencil markings, they are temporal. Sure, you can argue that there are some things that are forever etched in your life - so be it. That does not make your life meaningless. It in actually enriches your life, no one has those scars, no one has that story of climbing out from rock bottom, no one has gone through what you did and that means that your life itself is a testimony of strength the very fact that you are alive.
We spend so much time trying to conceal these mistakes (without add any colour) with desperate and pathetic attempts at rubbing it away or scratching it away. Sure you may see that mistake disappear - but again, you realise that you're back to square one with a blank canvas.
What really helped me was to break out of the vicious cycle of declining back to lifeless white. It's so much like ed. I mean you make a mistake and you try to dissolve like stains with vanish detergent powder, back to the perfection of a stainless image. Each time you give in to ed, it creates a concave or convex mark on your canvas of possibilities. It adds texture but being afraid of looking imperfect, you level out your surface to hide this abnormality.
Back to white. Happy? No.
Here you are with just the basic drawing block of life without a spark of life, colour and perspective all because you are too afraid to take that leap of faith to glide your brush across the pain and the good parts of you to enhance yourself.
What really helps me break out of meaningless blankness, is colour.
Add the colours of the rainbow, be daring.
Add RED
as the first step on your wounds. You need time to
release the pain from the restrained eruption of feelings
the first step is healing.
(and hating tomatoes)
yes feel free to laugh
At this stage, what helped me was to acknowledge that life is fraught with pain and hurt and that these struggles and pain and how each time I muster up the strength to overcome them enriches my life more than anything else. Sometimes I wish that oh gosh I wish I didn't get affected in JC, imagine how much better I'd be, imagine all the pain I could have avoided. But no, I look back now and I think to myself that I wouldn't have wanted it any other way. The murky red that I splash on my canvas may look "ugly" but life isint flawless beauty. I believe that there is immense beauty in rising up like the phoenix from the flames, to sprout up again after being trampled on by heavy doc martens boots. There is so much beauty not in the pain itself BUT beauty in the way you endure the pain and have the courage to know that you deserve to heal. By doing what is stronger - to ignore the self hate voices, you give life meaning. You can use the history of red splotches on your canvas to empathise and guide others along the way and remind them that red splotches don't solely make a solid red canvas. You are not your mistakes but your mistakes give your life meaning.
Add Orange.
According to the wonderful search engine that has saved my ass for school work since forever,
Orange represents enthusiasm, fascination, happiness, creativity, determination, attraction, success, encouragement, and stimulation.
I think for me, where there is passion, there is purpose and
where there is purpose, there is a solid reason to continue living to make your vision materialise.
This is probably what may help get the gears rolling:
Search
I used to just look at the present but I forgot that it was the very present then that manipulated all my aspirations to revolve around ED and self destruction. All that pseudo recovery stuff of eating healthy and promoting healthy eating and having the mission to set up a health food shop. It's only on hindsight that I realised that this was just ED cleverly woven in my ambitions. I broke down in the ward at the start of my recent admission Coz as I had ed taken away from me, I thought "they are taking away my love, my purpose in life, I used to love food so much and now the sight of it sickens me and I'm so sad that my lifelong passion has been extinguished by recovery. What about my ambition to set up my cafe "the ethical vegetarian"?? My plans to branch out from GFH and my promising future? Gone." I cried Coz my percieved passion in life was gone. I felt like an empty shell without a clue where I was headed towards. Then my art therapist told me perhaps your passion this whole time wasn't food, but the aesthetics of food, to make things look pretty. And then i was taken aback - so how on earth am I suppose to make a living for myself out of my pre-conceived idea that my passion was superficial. She told me that she believes that I'll do great in advertising and design and I thought to myself hmmm... So...
Dig up your past (when you were not caged by serious mental demons) all the things you used to love to do, I don't care how trivial you think they are - what made you happy, what lifted you up when you cried and what didn't work for you.
For me, i remembered that making cards, drawing and crafty art was were mahhh thing. Sure actually my art sometimes wah CMI, and has made my teacher go like Aiyoh why your Babo bird look like that one?! But art is an avenue that has really helped me in recovery - in expressing the emotions I couldn't exactly voice or had the courage to utter and using these art stuff to uplift the lives of people I have tarnished with my monstrous ED and make myself feel better about encouraging others just like the old me.
"Recovery is remembering who you are and using your strengths to become all that you were meant to be."
After searching, act.
I started working on ways to practically execute and infuse my passion into my everyday life. I watched more watercolour demo videos and read up blogs on tips and techniques Coz i just started on this. I kept practising non stop, even when I was about to break down and about to wallow away to my depression playlist and sleep, I made that choice that day to get up. I forced myself to sit up and work on crafts to express my emotions and write poetry while listening to my depression playlist. It all begins with that one step I believe. I mean it's so easy to just lie in self defeat but what is gonna make people go wow and look at you in a good light (as I think many of us crave others' approval) try making the steps to fuel your desire to people please as a kickstart. Slowly, as I did that, hearing all the affirmations from them, I started thinking o was actually worthy and planted that self belief back in my heart.
I combined my love to create works with the very thing that brings me the most joy - the happiness from my friends and people I give my designed cards to. It's my ambition now to spread so much love and mental health awareness with art, even though it's mediocre, it does not mean I can't use it as a tool just Coz I fall way below perfection. It's recovery after all -progress and not perfection.
Add Yellow. The memories that last forever.
The experiences that have made you guffaw like a donkey and snort like a pig hahaha
"Whenever you remember times gone by, I hope you'll smile, remember when through the good and through and bad, I was on your side when nobody could hold us down, we claimed the brightest star and we won't forget."
Carrie Underwood
It helps me to:
Look back and reminisce about good times I had with my friends or mom/sister. To remember that I was once capable of happiness and I can attain it again so I can go back to love life
Force myself to go out with my friends even if I'm unsure about whether or not it'll be awkward. Just go for it - really - all your end up having is more memories, more chances to experience the possibility of human warmth and even if it is hurt, it still is far more meaningful adding raging red than to stick within your comfort zone of untouched white.
Make collages/videos of good times I shared with a group of friends or with one friend and type a long dedication/message to her about why I treasure her and bring up all the idiosyncratic weirdness that y'all know as inside jokes. Reminding yourself of the good times and smiling makes it so much better believe me. But don't just stop there ok! Go out and create more friendships and spread this positive appreciation. For all your know, you could get back something incredibly sweet to make you feel like you've made a difference in your friend's life and that life change could very well be your purpose to carry on living to continue to be by her side.
Add Green. Charting your growth
I can't stress this enough - REFLECT REGULARY. I don't care if you do it in the shower before ou break out into your world tour bathroom 2.0 or while waiting for the ever so frequent public transport services or even before you go to bed.
DOCUMENT MILESTONES OF GROWTH (and even falls) in a book of social media to remind yourself of how far you've come. I look back on my posts in 2015 and I just am in awe of myself honestly, to know that I felt that way and how different I feel now and how I have matured it really is mind blowing imo. Growth implies progress which in turn translates into lifestyle improvement which increases the appeal of continuing to live life to continue this legacy of enhancement to become the best ever version of yourself. Your growth will stun you tbh and you'll just start to value life as something so meaningful as a journey of sled discover *cues ughhh voices from people from the cringe-worthy cliche*
Add Blue. Work and recovery aside, what are the things in life that make you you? What do you love to do in your free time?
This has bend difficult for me and idk about y'all. But being trapped in the constraints of a hospital or clinic since 2012 - something about that just robbed me of my precious leisures. Baking? Fawning over Asian dramas? Hot guy drama? Celebrity gossip? News scary enough to actually fill my social media lol? Social gatherings? It all disappeared and all I was interested in was cheating, lying and coming up with newbery award winning stories of excuses for my mental issues. Every memory was just how I struggled, how it was like in the ward, how people are like in the ed community. I realised that my interests only got narrowed down to food related things. Legit all I watched were ed documentaries, interviews, supersize vs superskinny, obesity documentaries, Masterchef, kitchen nightmares, YouTube chefs, 10 000 calorie challenges, and cook off shows. I had no common interests with anyone well non ed anymore.
In the process of recovery, I've forced myself to open up like a parachute which works best when it's open - to cats and other animals,bizarre reality tv, horror shows, romance movies, poetry, art, comedies and all that.
I would totally recommend:
Ellen Degeneres
American Horror Story
Netflix (love and other drugs, no strings attached, scream the series)
Movies123
Brush Painting, watercolour
Extreme stories of the ER (on YouTube) or laugh about sex sent me to the ER
Photography and Photo Editing
This is just some of my favs but obviously we ain't the same person so hahah yaaa you'll have your own list just like how YOU are your own empowered person 💁🏻
Add Purple. Embark on regular Volunteer work
“I alone cannot change the world, but I can cast a stone across the waters to create many ripples.” ― Mother Teresa
For animals:
SPCA http://www.spca.org.sg/helpus_volunteer.asp
Cat Welfare Society http://www.catwelfare.org/volunteer
SoSD (dogs) http://sosd.org.sg/join-us-as-volunteers/
Animal Lovers League http://www.animalloversleague.com/volunteer.html
Oasis Second Chance Animal Shelter http://www.oscas.sg/p/volunteer.html?m=1
For children
KK Women's and Children's Hospital http://www.kkh.com.sg/ABOUTUS/WAYSTOGIVEANDVOLUNTEER/Pages/Volunteer.aspx
Uninhibited Space https://www.uninhibitedspace.com/ or check out their FB Page!
Singapore Children's Society https://www.childrensociety.org.sg/volunteer-join
Make a Wish Foundation http://makeawish.org.sg/get-involved/volunteers/sign-up-to-be-a-volunteer/
For Adults/Elderly
IMH https://www.imh.com.sg/form.aspx?id=463&ekfrm=539
Haha actually yknow what there are so many so here's all http://thesmartlocal.com/read/volunteer-sg
Add Violet.
My last point on top of the diarrhea of colours splashed on already is well something short and simple -
Be that beacon of hope for someone else simply by staying alive no matter how hard it gets